Be in Charge

Tuesday 3 July, 2001

Kuldip arrived at the house and I spent a few minutes with him. I am irritated by his behaviour despite the opportunities his presence here provides me with. Although he says all the right things about why he is here, his actions are not convincing. He doesn’t listen as he should and he doesn’t seem prepared to surrender to a process he sees working in others.

In the afternoon Karaj and Arun returned from their meeting and Arun presented me with two bound volumes of my journal. I am delighted with them, and it was a lovely gesture. Many thanks to both of you. It was also nice to see the pleasant side of Arun again.

In the evening George and Harriet arrived and so did Sunil. I was ready to go home to bed but I ended up staying until 23.30. I became frustrated with Sunil because there was work of his to be completed. Work which Kuldip had started. It was the involvement of Kuldip which caused my confusion and annoyance, at which point I politely said to Sunil that he should finish it off himself while I spent some time in the garden.

Looking back I was also annoyed with Sunil because he was being so vague about what needed doing. At one point in the evening I felt a familiar feeling: I wanted to walk away. I wanted to walk away from the house and stay away for a long time. This is something which I often do. I start something on my own, and as soon as others begin to join in or do the same I drift away.

My feedback from Karaj concerned my attitude towards Sunil’s work. He told me that whatever state I’m in, I need to be in charge. Even when I’m low I should be able to help people relax and take their problems off them. Sunil had missed his last train so he stayed at mine. Karaj dropped us both off and explained to Sunil that he had been the cause of my frustration earlier on in the evening. Whatever the reason, be it Kuldip’s confusing input or his own melancholy, all he needed to do was be clear with me what needed doing and I could have got on with it.

Related post: Be In Charge Of My Life

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