What Am I Contributing?

Friday 17 August, 2001

6.50 E&M 40 mins. An enjoyably busy day today putting the final touches to the preparations for the Sicily day on Sunday. Karaj and I discussed the Sicily work. We talked about relationships and how important it is to contribute to people. Every time I relate to someone I need to ask myself, ‘What am I contributing to this person?’. This is the only reference point I can rely on. If I cannot determine my own contribution to others how can I expect others to know. Many people have no concept of their own reference point. With that in mind, how is it possible for these people to form any sort of relationship with others. What’s worse is that they ask others to define their reference points for them. No wonder people are messed up. Clear assessment is only possible with clear reference points.

We picked Sunil up. Having spoken to him on the phone and explained our plans, he had phoned back and asked us for a lift. It had struck me as an odd and unnecessary request because it was not as if he was in a hurry or that he was not used to making his own way to the house. I expected Karaj to refuse because he was so stressed and busy but he complied without any deliberation. He explained in the car that Sunil’s request was a cry for help. Moreover it was a test. He was testing whether or not there is anyone there for him. He has a loner script and anything other than an offer of a lift would reinforce that script and his own (unconscious) thoughts that nobody cares. He is feeling exposed and vulnerable at the moment and if Karaj were to refuse there would be major repercussions three or four months down the line.

At the end of the working evening – we finished putting together the Sicily packs – Arun came down. We pastimed for 15 minutes until she showed us the latest mask mounted on the wall. Having enjoyed the humorous banter we’d had up until that point I found myself still very much in Child ego state, unable to do anything about it. Instead of analysing the mask and what it meant for me I dived in with questions about how Arun had done it and what its significance meant. Fortunately for me she declined to answer either of my questions. I realised what I should be doing and calmed down a little. Nevertheless, my attempts to assess what the mask meant for me made me cringe a little. They were genuine but I seemed to be trying too hard. I wasn’t relaxed. I retreated and put the finishing touches to my day’s work and left her and Sunil to enjoy a mature conversation. I felt like the child to their mummy and daddy. Eventually we returned to the original, light-hearted banter and I relaxed fully. I was okay and I’d gained insight into my immaturity.


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