Push Through The Barriers

Thursday 27 September, 2001

09.00 E&M 30 mins. I had a deliberate lie-in to try and compensate for the tiredness and discomfort I felt yesterday. The exercises seemed a little easier this morning but during my walk to the house I really felt weak, run-down, on edge and annoyed. I felt annoyed at nothing in particular but everything in general. I told myself the best thing I could do today was rest and, if possible, just go home and go to bed. I started to get used to the idea and by the time I had reached the house I was in no fit state to do anything. I was later able to see that all of these feelings were constructs of my mind, designed to force me into submission.

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Scripted Pain

Wednesday 26 September, 2001

07.00 E&M 30 mins. Painful exercises but I feel better for them. At the house all I could do was lie down and rest, despite the good sleep I had last night. Somewhat reluctantly I joined Karaj in the garden with the digging. 65 buckets (727) We worked for around two hours and not once did I feel motivated or enthusiastic. I was tired, my body ached and my back was draining any energy I had left; and we still had a meeting scheduled for 8 o’clock.

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The Negativity Is Coming Up

Tuesday 25 September, 2001

07.15 E&M 30 mins. Karaj told me this morning that such is the negativity which is coming up, we will have a difficult time for the next six months and my life for the next 12-16 months will be very challenging. He also told me that Francis’s visit has been very illuminating for him with regard to me, my life and my script. (See tomorrow for more details.)

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My Learning in Action

Saturday 22 September, 2001

Arrived at the house and met up with Robert. He gave me useful feedback from last night. He said the way I had talked in the meeting showed authority. I was strong and in control, I held the stage and I was a man. Karaj later confirmed this by saying I had been smooth and even in all my contributions during the meeting. He went on to say that my latest appraisal is excellent, and that the appraisals generally are maturing nicely. Those feedbacks say a lot about the progress I am making.

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Patterns Surfacing

Friday 21 September, 2001

During my walk I gave thought to what Karaj had said about why I have chosen the friends I have. Nothing came to me until I was nearly at the house when, out of the blue, I wondered whether I had chosen successful, competent, socially-skilled friends in order that I can compare myself with them and conclude (in my negativity) that I am no good. The positive outlook is that I chose those people as my friends because they are living examples of the skills I need to learn. [Karaj: You have learnt them.] I surround myself with people who can take me forward.

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Abstaining From Negativity

Thursday 20 September, 2001

Spent the day writing up my appraisals. I spoke to Karaj in London who told me that Francis’s presence over the past few days had provided him with some very useful information as to why I choose the friends I do, why I have chosen the path I have and why I have the problems I have. He told me no more than that, as it is clear this is a sensitive issue which needs to be dealt with carefully. Suffice to say that I have some hard work to do, but the main aspect is that it’s good that Karaj knows what is going on with me. Relax.

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A Friend’s Place in a Hierarchy

Monday 17 September, 2001

07.00 E&M 30 mins. Had breakfast with Karaj, greeted Robert around lunchtime, cleared the loft for the Gas Board on Wednesday and picked Francis up from the station. Robert was displaying his usual non-committal, tell-me-what-to-do behaviour such that when Francis phoned to inform me his train was running late while I was clearing the loft with Karaj, Robert neither picked up the phone, nor did he tell me it had rung. As usual it was good to see Francis and he dropped straight into the socialisation of the day. He was also keen to be involved in the afternoon’s digging, so all four of us spent three hours in the garden shifting buckets – 170 of them (running total 276). It was great work – very physical, productive and efficient.

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It’s What You Say, Not How You Say It

Sunday 16 September, 2001

In the evening I talked with Karaj, bringing my weekend to an excellent close. I have realised that feedback of the kind that was given to Karaj yesterday is all about what I say not how I say it. It’s the passion which has to come across rather than any of the ineffective emotions which I get entangled in – sadness, euphoria etc. When I successfully achieve such feedback, my Parent is the one communicating, taking care of things, allowing my Child to play. He also told me that with the work I have to do, I should include people, not exclude them. I also heard Karaj when he was talking to Robert about the fact that ‘How’ is very irritating, and that he had made it all the way to the top because he never asked ‘How?’. When given work to do he just got on with it and got it done.

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Appreciative, Unemotional Feedback

Saturday 15 September, 2001

Morning Meditation. It is an excellent way of determining where we are – be silent. If I want to know how peaceful I am then all I need to do is be quiet. It is then that we notice how busy our mind is, and we cannot fail to conclude that if the mind is so active when we try to be quiet, how can we possibly say that we are focused in our work or in our listening?

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Own My Achievements

Friday 14 September, 2001

07.00 E&M 30 mins. I am producing wonderful results but I am not following them up with my own self confidence. This is self destruction. The message from Karaj is: I need to own my achievements. In the afternoon we shifted another 53 buckets – really good work.

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The Digging Has Started

Wednesday 12 September, 2001

07.00 E&M 30 mins. Went to the court to deliver a document for one of Karaj’s client cases. I needed to be firm with the woman and I enjoyed being so. I need to practice being more solid and determined and less emotional. [Karaj: You emotions are your downfall. They do not allow you to be a man.] Look out for opportunities to do this. I felt the negativity in the court building and my thoughts turned to Ishwar and his work in the judicial system, being surrounded by that sort of energy on a regular basis.

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Solid Foundations

Tuesday 11 September, 2001

07.10 E&M 25 mins. Just as painful as yesterday but I know from experience that in time everything will improve if I continue to exercise and don’t rush things. I feel much lighter today; free of the burdens I carried yesterday. Karaj keeps telling me to have fun and today feels like a fun day.

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Appropriate Perfectionism

Monday 10 September, 2001

07.00 E&M 25 mins. My back and sciatica are causing me pain. It’s the same problem as before: left piriformis and nerve pain in the left leg along with stiffness around the base of the spine. I arrived at the house feeling subdued about all the work I had to do. On top of that I have my usual issue with my appraisal – I’ve got to get it all down on paper and I still doubt my ability to do so to my own satisfaction.

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See My Contribution

Sunday 9 September, 2001

Intended to spend the day finishing the Sicily appraisals. When I returned from the launderette there was a message from Karaj asking me to go to the house. I smiled to myself because I had been looking for an excuse not to tackle the Sicily work, but deep down I was frustrated because I thought I might not get it done at all – this duality is not good for my health.

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