Push Through The Barriers

Thursday 27 September, 2001

09.00 E&M 30 mins. I had a deliberate lie-in to try and compensate for the tiredness and discomfort I felt yesterday. The exercises seemed a little easier this morning but during my walk to the house I really felt weak, run-down, on edge and annoyed. I felt annoyed at nothing in particular but everything in general. I told myself the best thing I could do today was rest and, if possible, just go home and go to bed. I started to get used to the idea and by the time I had reached the house I was in no fit state to do anything. I was later able to see that all of these feelings were constructs of my mind, designed to force me into submission.

Karaj and I sat and talked. We have not done so like this for some time and it was well worth it. He told me what I thought he might: that what I needed to do was to work through my pain and tiredness. He told me that everything which I have felt recently has been my mind trying to force me into giving in to my script. He told me that if I work my body hard enough then the day will come when I hear a faint whisper. The whisper will be my body telling me ‘I’m okay’. Only then will I be able to tell the difference between what my body is telling me and what my mind is trying to get me to believe.

Karaj told me that I have chosen to subject myself to the torture of self-development – something which most people are scared to even contemplate – and that I should not give up now. I need to push myself through all sorts of barriers now, in an attempt to get to the very bottom of why I continue to do this to myself. At times during our conversation I became tearful. At first I thought it was because of the difficult times ahead. Karaj told me not to dwell on how hard things are going to be, but to concentrate on my achievements. I have achieved a great deal over the last year and a half and all those achievements will stand me in good stead as I face the next challenge. Even walking to the house this morning was an achievement because all I wanted to do was hop on a bus, make it to the house and lie down. I didn’t, though. I persevered, and that is the quality I need now.

Just like every other challenge, Karaj has put in my way, I am ready and willing to take this one up. If that is what it takes for me to sort myself out and break free of the cycle of pain and injury I cause myself, then that is what I will do. This is the reason I felt tearful – it was the relief of knowing what I need to do to sort myself out. This afternoon, saw more digging: 64 buckets (791). I made an early start. I couldn’t wait for Karaj to come down, such was my enthusiasm to work through my negativity, brought on by the relief at being able to do something to fully conquer my subdued state from this morning. One message from today’s exchanges with Karaj: whatever I think, and however I feel, I am doing very well.

As I write, I feel so much better than I did this morning. Today has given me a vital insight into the workings of the mind. In the space of one hour, during my walk this morning, I had allowed my mind to convince me that I am run down, weak, and annoyed with the world. After talking things through with Karaj everything changed. I felt relief at knowing what I have to do and I feel motivated to work hard and to do all I need to do to overcome this negativity. Karaj reassured me tonight that he will be working hard to sort my back out, that he has lots of patience and that he never gives up. He just wanted me to know that . Thanks Karaj. Today has been one of the finest examples of the benefits of verbalisation. Communicate.

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