Stay Focused & Invite Confrontation

Wednesday 31 October, 2001

Made my way to the house and had a talk with Karaj. There has been no improvement in my physical health since coming out of hospital. Karaj advised me to consider my recovery more long-term. Allow myself six months to become fully functional, and take it easy during that time. This will ease the pressure I am putting on myself.

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Immediate Visions

Monday 29 October, 2001

The negativity persists despite my attempts to think positively. In the afternoon Karaj, Robert and I sat together. Robert recognised that I had plunged into negativity and advised me to be positive and see it as an opportunity to investigate, work through and conquer my negativity. I felt lighter at being able to talk about the negativity which has enveloped me recently and for the rest of the day I took it easy. I did some work on my appraisals but mostly I was glad of the chance to relax in Robert’s company. I gave some thought to the visions which I need to create for myself in order to give my life the necessary substance, but I could not come up with anything.

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Dreams & Fears

Sunday 28 October, 2001

Dev and Kuldip picked me up on the way to the house for what has become the normal Sunday working session. Sunil and Robert called for Calvin. We sat for a supervision session during which Karaj told me to reacquaint myself with my office and give thought to my visions of the future. He then left us with an audio tape of the sermon he had heard that morning at his wife’s church. He said that it was particularly relevant to Robert (whose wife has applied for an exclusion order after finding his appraisals) but we should all listen to it.

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I Need to Realise My Abilities

Friday 26 October, 2001

I phoned George this morning and had a good talk with him. He was very straight with me and told me that I need to decide to get back to work; only then will I get better. I need to take responsibility. I need to realise my abilities. I seem to be the only one who doesn’t know how good I am. Talking to George made me realise that I have things the wrong way around. I’ve been thinking that I will be back at Karaj’s when I’m fit. The truth is, I will be fit when I’m back at Karaj’s.

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Getting Back Where I Belong

Thursday 25 October, 2001

I left hospital yesterday. Today I left two messages for George. I also phoned Dev. It would seem we are both at the same critical stage on our respective journeys. Either we take control of our own lives or we follow our father’s script. I also spoke to Robert. He told me clearly that I need to take my place back at the house. It’s where I belong. He told me I have a clarity when I am firing on all cylinders, but added that the gloom of my father lingers with me and we need to sort it out. Be with the men. He made me see that although I am out of hospital, I still need to make the journey from home to the house.

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Standing Up Again

Monday 22 October, 2001

Stood up today for the first time in five days. I felt a little dizzy and unsteady on my feet. In the late afternoon/early evening I started to feel new sensations in my legs, as if the nerves in the numb areas were starting to fire again. The doctor was called and he confirmed that I could well be getting the feeling back in my legs.

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Back Operation

Wednesday 17 October, 2001

Early call from Dev. The network strengthens. He was bullying me to stay with it and I appreciated it. Robert’s appraisals have been found by his wife. She has sought advice and has left him, having been told he is a violent member of a cult with a split personality! His house has also been burgled, but Robert is taking it all in his stride. Kuldip has been beaten up by one of his mental patients. It’s all happening.

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Smile With My Whole Body

Monday 15 October, 2001

I received a phone call form Karaj. It was clear that he wanted to know what I’ve been thinking and feeling. At the end of our conversation he knew that I am still with him. We talked about taking regular weeks off and me escaping to a cottage in Wales for some peace, solitude and reflection. Karaj told me I have come back from the brink (that’s just how it feels) and that the next two or three years are going to be tough. I am ready to leave the hospital today but Karaj said to see it through and find out once and for all what is going on. I was grateful for those words and that support.

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Will I Come Back?

Sunday 14 October, 2001

Phoned the house and spoke to Dev. It was a short and stilted conversation and so, five minutes later, I phoned back. This time Robert answered and he was very enthusiastic about the industry of the house today: ‘Things are moving at rocket pace’. Among other things, they were working on visions for the next few years. He told me I sounded straight, which described my feelings well. Just before the call I had been trying to determine in what way I felt different to normal. I do not feel high or emotional about the good things from yesterday and the previous few days. I don’t feel cocky. Don’t get cocky.

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An Opportunity in 10,000 Lifetimes

Saturday 13 October, 2001

After the nurses’ hand-over I had the impression that this is easier than my mind had allowed me to believe. I phoned Sunil to pick me up and we made our way to the house. I felt ambivalent towards the day, the group, and towards the men. I often feel like this prior to a group and my present situation caused me to feel reluctance too.

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Mind Fucking

Friday 12 October, 2001

Yesterday I was told I can expect the results of the scan today. In addition, the senior registrar had hinted that the results would show no problem with the spine. That would mean I could be discharged today in time for the men’s group tomorrow. So, maybe I am not creating barriers after all. [Karaj: Mind fucking.] This morning they came to tell me the results would not be available until Monday afternoon. I spoke to the registrar about tomorrow and he said that it would be okay to go out for a couple of hours.

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Detached Professionalism

Thursday 11 October, 2001

A much better night’s sleep and a more comfortable day. More positivity exercises, less pain, but the numbness is worse – it has spread to my pelvic region. Fortunately only the sensory nerves seem to be affected. The motor nerves are fine so I have normal movement and power.

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Questioning My Commitment

Wednesday 10 October, 2001

I have been more comfortable today but I am still in pain. The nerve pain comes and goes, the calf pain is subsiding but the numbness is no better. I received visits from Aubrey, Calvin and Sunil.

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Too Much Pain

Tuesday 9 October, 2001

The pain is worse than ever this morning. My left heel feels like a solid block in my foot, the numbness in my legs is worse, my left calf muscle feels as though it is torn, and the sciatica in my right leg feels like a red-hot skewer going all the way down into my foot. The pain is worst when I am standing, and walking is proving to be increasingly slow and painful.

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