Time to Live My Appraisals

Monday 1 October, 2001

06.50 E&M 30 mins. Arrived at the house and read the latest feedback on my appraisal which seemed to be full of challenges for me. I felt a little disheartened by Karaj’s comments because I feel I am doing very well and making good progress. Thinking about it, the more progress I make the more challenges I can expect. Once again Karaj had to drag information out of me. It’s the same every time. Somehow I get it into my head that any problems or issues I may have will be solved in good time or will go away on their own, and that talking about them cannot possibly help. Every time I am wrong.

[Karaj: That is your immaturity when you talk big with no action. Action is required. That is hard work because 99% of the time it will go wrong.]

Karaj told me I need to take responsibility for myself and my space. He told me I have to become a leader. The time has come for me to live my appraisals every moment of my life rather than just write them. Now that I have a better idea of who I am, I must be congruent at all times.

[Karaj: This is where you want to hide. You do not look for solutions. Negativity seems to rule your life.]

The important point which Karaj made was that the latest challenges are not old ones re-worded as I had taken them to be. They are new, fresh challenges which will take me to the next level. He pointed out that my interpretation of his feedback was based on assumptions I had made because I was trying to read between the lines. I should know enough about Karaj and about how he works to realise that he is a straight-talker and that whatever is written is what is meant – I am doing myself no favours by inferring things.

[Karaj: That is more Child ego state behaviour. Don’t be second guessing or reading between the lines.]

I am ready to receive the challenges he has set me. He told me that my feelings are not as important as my thinking and that it is the thinking which needs to be verbalised. By not verbalising things I am setting myself up to walk out of this place when the two years I usually allow myself are up in February.

[Karaj: You need to be clear when you start on the new phase of your life. Clarity is the principle which you live, no matter what.]

It is also important to note that leadership is a quality I possess (we all do) and it will emerge naturally as a consequence of responsibility. The only reason I don’t lead is because I don’t assume responsibility, and the reason for that is my lack of interest in the world. Once again I am doing myself no favours by withdrawing into myself. The least I can do is show interest in my life. Be responsible for my life.

Went dancing with Sunil and Calvin. Sunil drove us home and almost had an accident on the way. In pulling across lanes on the ring road, his focus was on the car behind and he didn’t see the car in front until Calvin and I alerted him. He just had time to swerve to the right and miss it. Had we hit it as we swerved, it would have been on my side of the car. At home I went straight to bed.

Related post: Progress Means Never Getting There

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