Severe Symptoms

Tuesday 2 October, 2001

07.50 E&M 30 mins. When I woke up my legs were numb. The numbness wasn’t too bad – more the tingle of pins and needles – but I’ve never had those sorts of sensations in both legs before. For the whole day I had the usual stiffness in my lower back, sciatica in the top half of my legs and tingling in the bottom half, particularly in my feet. By the end of the day things had worsened slightly and the tingling and numbness had spread all the way up the backs of my legs and into my buttocks.

I called Sunil for a chat. We talked about his near miss last night and I suddenly thought that maybe the sensations in my legs are a result of what nearly happened in the car. He suggested an exercise to relax my spine and as I lay down to do it I wondered about everything that is happening to me. As I lay on my bed I was worried about what was happening to my legs and I had to keep stopping my train of thought becoming negative. In doing this repeatedly I could see just how easily and how often I become negative. I kept saying ‘NO!’ to my negativity (self-parenting). I told myself all this is happening because I am doing well and I am willing to fight to change my script. It would be easy to give up, but it is clear I have a fight on my hands and the least I can do is fight.

[Karaj: You need to create a future. You do not have a future so you concentrate on the past. Also, you are not proactive. It is always after the event.]

I spoke to Karaj. He was understandably concerned and advised that I go to see a doctor right away.

 

[I didn’t go to the doctor. Instead I just carried on, thinking it will eventually go away like it had on the two previous occasions. But this was not like those times. In the past I had been laid out, unable to move. My back had seized up completely and I could not even get up off the floor to lie on a bed. I could not even sit up. I lay on the floor for five weeks and then gradually, over a few more, I became more mobile. So this time I figured that if I could at least remain upright , then it couldn’t be as bad as then. As it turned out, it was worse. But it took another week before I saw anyone about it, during which time the symptoms became more and more acute.]

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