Questioning My Commitment

Wednesday 10 October, 2001

I have been more comfortable today but I am still in pain. The nerve pain comes and goes, the calf pain is subsiding but the numbness is no better. I received visits from Aubrey, Calvin and Sunil.

The doctors told me the MRI scan to determine the extent of my problem would probably not be until next week. This left me with the feeling that I have created the likelihood of missing the group. I felt uncomfortable knowing that this is precisely the conclusion Karaj would reach too. [Karaj: Your conclusion is an assumption. Based on what?] I felt under pressure and under scrutiny, as if the whole group would be questioning my commitment because I could not get myself out of hospital in time for Saturday. I began to wonder myself whether I actually want to attend the group. Nevertheless I continued with the positivity exercises and the thoughts about what exactly is going on with me. I am struggling to let go of the old me, but until I do I cannot embrace the new me. I had thoughts about whether or not I even want to.

The house officer informed me later that he had managed to arrange a scan for tomorrow afternoon. Good news.


Leave a Reply