Smile With My Whole Body

Monday 15 October, 2001

I received a phone call form Karaj. It was clear that he wanted to know what I’ve been thinking and feeling. At the end of our conversation he knew that I am still with him. We talked about taking regular weeks off and me escaping to a cottage in Wales for some peace, solitude and reflection. Karaj told me I have come back from the brink (that’s just how it feels) and that the next two or three years are going to be tough. I am ready to leave the hospital today but Karaj said to see it through and find out once and for all what is going on. I was grateful for those words and that support.

Thoughts: when I smile I should smile with my whole body and not just my face. It makes a world of difference and feels much more congruent. If I cannot smile with my whole body then I need not bother. Also, smile only when it’s appropriate.

The doctors informed me of the severely prolapsed disc and the surgeon’s need to operate. It seems I have little choice and the more I got used to the idea, the more I warmed to the thought that I could now sort out my back problems for good; draw a line under that aspect of my past and move on with my life.

[Karaj: It is not about getting used to anything. ‘Getting used to’ is passive. You have to say to yourself, ‘Okay, this has happened so how do I plan to get well?’ Deal with it.]

The doctors have left instructions for me not to move too much for fear of aggravating an already serious situation. I receive another visit form Aubrey. He is a good man.


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