Increased Connectivity

Thursday 29 November, 2001

Received an early call from George. He had phoned Robert this morning too. Robert has received a divorce letter from his wife’s solicitors and had tried to contact both George and Dev last night. Karaj phoned to see how everything and everybody is and to let me know when he will be arriving back from Cambridge. Later I phoned Sunil and left a message asking when he will be arriving this afternoon.

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An Appreciation of Support

Wednesday 28 November, 2001

I feel much better today – the headache has all but gone and my energy has returned. Spoke to Karaj who thanked me for all that I am doing and told me that he had already informed Kuldip about the method he should use to dig the pond. When I spoke to Kuldip about the pond he told me about the method but claimed it as his own. This highlighted his arrogance to me because even when he does hear people, in his arrogance he maintains that any thoughts were his to start with.

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Quietness & Balance

Monday 26 November, 2001

I awoke with a splitting headache. I felt tired and run-down. However, I still managed to help Karaj put together the documents and the newsletters for this week’s course.

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Say What I Have to Say

Sunday 25 November, 2001

The day was one of activity in the garden and the office, interspersed with feedback sessions. The first session began with a challenge to Robert from Sunil. There followed a very loving and moving exchange between Karaj, Sunil and Robert. Karaj answered for Robert, saying that Sunil is right to challenge but must be aware of the space which Robert is in. He is sorting through a great deal at present and needs support as well as the challenges. I felt the love on all sides and was deeply moved.

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Isolation, Withdrawal & Opening Up

Saturday 24 November, 2001

My back felt a little better this morning and I resolved to take it very easy but not to hang around at home for too long. My priority was to get to Sunil’s flat come what may. I phoned Calvin to see what he was doing and we met at the train station and travelled together to meet up with Dev, Robert, Leon and Kuldip who were already working hard finishing the painting of the flat.

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Balance Means Balance

Friday 23 November, 2001

I felt fine when I woke up but by the time I arrived at the house I felt a little demotivated so I got moving. I updated my mood chart, washed up and wrote my appraisal. I spread the entire mood chart out in front of me and could see how irregular, almost random, my moods are and how they continually go up and down. I was never sure this chart would be able to help me much, but if nothing else it tells me how imbalanced I am, whilst simultaneously inspiring me to achieve and maintain appropriate balance in my life.

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How We Contribute to Each Other

Thursday 22 November, 2001

Woke up feeling positive and exercised well. I am still not particularly well motivated and I still have thoughts about when I will be able to walk properly. These feelings are Child Ego State and I need to do something Parental to get myself out of what I am doing to myself. Kuldip arrived and got straight down to his earth digging. Soon afterwards George arrived and before long the four of us were out in the garden erecting new flower beds. It was a job which had been holding up the shifting of further buckets and we all worked well. While the others moved plants from one site to another, I drilled and filed the brackets for the bed surrounds. This activity was all the Parenting I needed to motivate myself.

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Being Shown

Wednesday 21 November, 2001

Talked to Karaj. He told me that the translation idea which George and I raised should be more of a background development because I am destined for greater things, one of which is to shadow Karaj in his work so that I learn as much as possible.

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We Need to Be Sharper

Monday 19 November, 2001

Had a lie-in and waited for the gas man to arrive to repair the pipes outside the house. I received a letter from Francis which contained a three-page summary of his sabbatical. He has benefited from the experience and is looking to implement one of the aspects he learnt from his time here. He wrote that the instant feedback we demonstrate here is too much for his office, but he is very keen to introduce a form of what he terms ‘communication without prejudice’.

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Love & Hard Work

Sunday 18 November, 2001

Arrived early and had a chat with Karaj about calming things down. In our creativity over previous weeks we have done intensive work and moved forward at quite a pace. However, we need to be sure that we do not run on full power because of the need to have some reserves for emergencies which will arise (planning).

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Feedback Angst

Saturday 17 November, 2001

We all missed the 05.30 alarm and when I woke at 07.30 we all had to spring into action. I took only half-hearted control – I could have made Dev’s breakfast for him while he was getting ready. Because we were late, I felt a little anxious in the van on the way to clear Sunil’s garage. Robert’s assessment of events as negative – last night’s giggles, this morning’s missed alarm, him forgetting his wallet, Dev not carrying his phone – made me feel guilty (CES) for last night’s hilarity and increased my anxiety. The result was that, although I navigated as I usually do with Karaj, I annoyed Robert by giving too many directions which suggested to him that I had no faith in his ability to follow signs. He could have said something to me there and then instead of waiting until the feedback session to raise it.

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Separate My Own Feelings

Friday 16 November, 2001

Supervision with Karaj, Sunil, Robert and Kuldip. It is lovely to have Sunil and Robert here because the last two days with Kuldip have been strained at times. However, they have also been good learning exercises for me from the point of view of revising the basics. And they have provided further confirmation of how far I have come.

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A Revealing Comment

Thursday 15 November, 2001

We had a supervision session this morning and the usual frustration was evident as Karaj tried to talk to Kuldip. Kuldip said that having felt nervous on his way here this morning, he now felt relaxed. He went on to say that Karaj’s comments freak him out, but I told him he did not seem freaked out and that if he really wanted to sort himself out then he would be freaked out. His relaxed attitude is an indication of his arrogance.

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Owning My Achievements

Monday 12 November, 2001

At the house Karaj and I talked about the change in me over the last three weeks. Coming out of hospital I felt excluded and in order to remain here I had to claim my space back. I have done that and what has come out of it is the ownership of my achievements which Karaj has always told me has been missing. I am realising what I have done and I am seeing that it is okay to own those accomplishments. The group has helped enormously here and it is about time that I return that commitment by owning what I have achieved. George is a prime example here with his enthusiasm of the newsletters and his appreciation of my involvement in them. I helped to instigate them, I have always encouraged and invited contributions from others.

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