A Revealing Comment

Thursday 15 November, 2001

We had a supervision session this morning and the usual frustration was evident as Karaj tried to talk to Kuldip. Kuldip said that having felt nervous on his way here this morning, he now felt relaxed. He went on to say that Karaj’s comments freak him out, but I told him he did not seem freaked out and that if he really wanted to sort himself out then he would be freaked out. His relaxed attitude is an indication of his arrogance.

Then the revelation came. As Kuldip was talking about the feelings he’d had on the way to the house this morning he said that one thought he’d had was, ‘What right do I have to sort myself out?’. This was it. Karaj repeated these words back to Kuldip over and over again telling him that until this attitude changes he is going nowhere and no-one can help him.

Karaj and I talked to Kuldip about Dev feeling his fear of coming to the house but coming nonetheless because he wants to sort himself out. Karaj talked of how close I had come to the brink on the day I went to my doctor’s in Rugby. I had phoned Karaj and as soon as I realised what I was doing I headed straight back to home, because I want to sort myself out. Everyone in the group wants to sort themselves out and none of us ever question our right to do so.

After lunch I engaged Kuldip in the events of the morning. To my amazement I found that he could not remember the significant words he had uttered which had been so illuminating for Karaj. He made two inaccurate attempts before I asked him whether he had written them down. He produced his notes telling me that he had translated it as ‘Who do I think I am coming here?’. I was speechless. Not only could he not recall his own earth-shattering comments, but he had translated it and, in doing so, had trivialised it so that it could eventually fade from his memory altogether. Amazing.

After Karaj and Kuldip had finished putting up the wire fence at the very end of the garden ready for some more earth deposits, the three of us sat together for a supervision session. Kuldip started his feedback with the significant events of this morning but was still unable to recall his exact words. Karaj reacted in precisely the same way as I had done this afternoon. He could not believe that Kuldip couldn’t remember what he had said. Neither had he been able to write it down accurately. If I hadn’t been witness to it all from start to finish, I would not believe it. But it did happen. For the next forty minutes Kuldip was once again the focus of our attention.

We had intended to finish the angle-iron drawers we started yesterday but after another session with Kuldip during which we went round in the usual circles of frustration and disbelief, not getting anywhere, I felt like calling it a day. Karaj was later to tell me that this is precisely the time I should press on with my commitments. Anything else would be Child Ego State.

What happened was that Karaj and I went off together to do some preparation during which time we could regroup, refocus and then get on with the job in hand – that is good parenting. Don’t sit with the emotions and let them rule me. Had I gone home after the supervision in the garden I would have taken all the mayhem home with me. Instead, we worked very hard and ended the day on a satisfactory note with the completion of some very good work.

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