Separate My Own Feelings

Friday 16 November, 2001

Supervision with Karaj, Sunil, Robert and Kuldip. It is lovely to have Sunil and Robert here because the last two days with Kuldip have been strained at times. However, they have also been good learning exercises for me from the point of view of revising the basics. And they have provided further confirmation of how far I have come.

Spent a busy morning making phone calls to organise the storage of Sunil’s belongings tomorrow. I also spoke to Dev. I came off the phone with the feeling (Child ego state – CES) that he is well and that his meeting went well too. However, on reflection I realised how deflated Dev had sounded and understood that the feeling I’d experienced had been my excitement because of the productive energy I was feeling from the morning’s work. Watch out for this – it’s why it is so important to know precisely where I am, because if I don’t I will mistake my moods for other people’s.

I then moved into the garden to smash the cup I have been drinking from for the best part of a year. It was a football cup and I wanted to smash it into one of the raised beds, bury it and in doing so take a step closer towards freeing myself of football. Karaj told me to hold it in my hand and smash it with a hammer with the thought that I was clearing away my past to create space for my future. I did so and struck a firm, decisive blow. One piece cut my thumb and Robert told me to be careful (with myself). It felt better than I had expected to smash the cup and there was definitely an air of release about it. It also made a big difference to have the men there.

At the end of the night I returned with the others to Sunil’s flat. We were all very excited and happy after such a good session this evening and we laughed together as we ate our supper.


Leave a Reply