Balance Means Balance

Friday 23 November, 2001

I felt fine when I woke up but by the time I arrived at the house I felt a little demotivated so I got moving. I updated my mood chart, washed up and wrote my appraisal. I spread the entire mood chart out in front of me and could see how irregular, almost random, my moods are and how they continually go up and down. I was never sure this chart would be able to help me much, but if nothing else it tells me how imbalanced I am, whilst simultaneously inspiring me to achieve and maintain appropriate balance in my life.

I realised that any balance I have tried to maintain has always been at the top of the peaks shown on the chart. This felt like a major breakthrough – I have been wasting precious energy trying to stay in an unnatural position. As this dawned on me I also started to feel the need for quietness, and throughout the rest of the day, as I became and remained quiet, I realised just how much noise I usually make; the unnecessary noise of excitement and projection. This encouraged me to remain quiet and, as the day wore on, I noticed that in my quietness I became more aware of my surroundings and everything that was going on around me – my observations became sharper.

In the early evening I observed Sunil as he planed down one of the tool drawers. It was a pleasure to watch him work and not once get flustered, neither with the job nor with Kuldip. I was drawn quite naturally into helping towards the end, when Robert arrived. I welcomed him and he told me he was delighted to be here. I had heard this same enthusiasm from him on the phone this afternoon and both Sunil and Karaj had warned me that it is not all it seems – his enthusiasm covers his anxiety and panic. So as Sunil, Kuldip and I finished up, I observed how Robert loitered on the periphery of our industry and seemed very quiet. He was carrying something with him that would come out over the course of the weekend.

In the evening we had a good feedback session. I talked to the men about my mood chart, my balance and my quietness. People had already noticed the difference. I am less excitable, quieter, more observant and more present than before. Karaj wondered why I thought that balance meant staying at the peaks. I couldn’t explain but it was nonetheless very useful for Karaj in identifying my problem. It was also useful for Dev because he does the same as me.

Kuldip was exposed as a liar in his feedback to me. Initially he tried to compliment me but when challenged he informed us of his anger at being told by me to tidy the office. The session ended with a challenge from Sunil to Karaj. Sunil told Karaj he (Karaj) is fearful of something. Karaj was reluctant to go into any details but explained that with our commitment and work we have made him brilliant and he is seeing his brilliance. This means he stands before something big – his destiny – but is reluctant to take the next step. Just like the rest of us, he has to move to the next level and he is anxious. It doesn’t matter where we are on the journey, progress will always induce anxiety because the further we travel the harder it becomes.

This session was a wonderful way to end the day. I arrived home at 12.30am. I lay down for half an hour before going to bed and my back seized up. After two days of physical work I had, perhaps, overdone it.

Related post: Life In The Middle

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