No Longer Who I Used To Be

Thursday 31 January, 2002

09.15 E&M 40 mins. In the morning Francis talked again about the issue of his colleagues (subordinates) not talking to each other and expecting him to sort everything out for them. I committed myself to working through this issue by saying ‘We’ll sort that out before I leave’. Watch this. Is this me being cocky? Am I aware of the energy required to support someone? Don’t get cocky.

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Simplicity In Life

Wednesday 30 January, 2002

04.30 E&M 40 mins. I had no problems with the journey. My first beaming smile at the prospect of my week in Germany came halfway through the flight; and as I walked along Höhenstrasse towards Francis’s flat with the sun on my back, taking it all in, I observed a splendid feeling of well-being and homecoming which gets stronger and stronger each time I return.

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A Shared Vision

Tuesday 29 January, 2002

Spent the morning updating my self-appraisals and then Karaj and I went for lunch. On the way we chatted about the format of the executive training we are looking to do. Three- or five-day intensive courses with fortnightly follow-ups for a few hours. Based around the TA model which allows the people quickly to establish and own a picture of themselves; built on a simple framework which is then used to bring out their real issues. Karaj deals with those as only he can and everyone benefits. It is important to know that we do not see people as having problems – they are all intelligent and committed and the tools we use are simple and effective ways of allowing people to identify their traits, habits and patterns so that Karaj can then apply them to their own individual issues.

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My Most Powerful Challenge

Sunday 27 January, 2002

09.30 E&M 70 mins. During the meditation I felt my positivity. The birds were singing outside and the light coming through the window was bright enough to remind me of a summer’s day and, as it is prone to do these days, that feeling took me back to a time when I must have been five or six years old and was blissfully happy.

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Work Out My Own Negativity

Saturday 26 January, 2002

09.30 E&M 85 mins. A lie-in! During the meditation I realised there is negativity in me which needs to come out. Rather than focus on the negativity around me I need to focus on myself and work out my own negativity. When I talked to Karaj about this he told me he likes the way I think – I am showing maturity in my willingness to work on myself rather than look to blame anything outside of me. It wasn’t until the following day that I realised what it meant to work on and release my own negativity.

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Owning My Mistakes

Thursday 24 January, 2002

07.10 E&M 45 mins. Arrived at the house and slept for 1½ hours. I updated my appraisal so far and, after lunch, I slept again. I cannot recall being this willing to sleep although I know for a fact I have gone through two or three very tired periods over the last two years. To combat our mutual tiredness Karaj and I went out into the garden and worked on the final raised bed – securing the boarded walls of the bed to the brackets fixed on the inside of the angle-iron uprights.

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Communicate Feelings

Wednesday 23 January, 2002

06.35 E&M 70 mins. Kuldip phoned this morning and I did not know what to say to him. I didn’t want to speak to him and when he told me he is missing the group and wants to get together with us, I felt like telling him straight that he had his chance and he messed it up time and time again. I said nothing because I wasn’t sure whether I would be getting involved in a game of some sort, like giving him the bashing he was looking for. I checked it with Karaj afterwards and he told me that I should have communicated how I was feeling.

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Punishing Yourself

Tuesday 22 January, 2002

06.45 E&M 60 mins. In the evening Dev phoned to discuss his punishment with Karaj. Karaj handed him over to me saying that he had personalised the philosophical discussion between Karaj and Sunil from Sunday and was confusing the issue. He should talk to me and get some clarity about the situation. I told him he has to pay the price such that he suffers enough to learn all he can from his mistake.

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Live By Your Principles

Sunday 20 January, 2002

11.30 E&M 60 mins. Robert phoned at 12.30 to say that he was running late and would pick me up at 13.10. As I waited I became more and more frustrated with him. It was happening again. First Earl made me late after lunch during last week’s men’s group and now Robert was doing the same. I had allowed myself to be fucked with once again. I phoned the house and found Sunil there – and Robert! I asked Sunil what the hell was going on. He told me Dev was on his way to pick me up. I calmed down, told Sunil it wasn’t his fault, asked him how he was and then waited for Dev. He arrived at 13.20, by which time I was livid. Talking to Dev I discovered that, contrary to my assumption, they had not got up late at all. This made it even more inexcusable that Robert had failed to honour his word.

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Becoming Stronger & Stronger

Saturday 19 January, 2002

07.00 E&M 60 mins. This morning I fixed the toilet handle in true Karaj style – nut & bolt – and prepared the rooms for the women’s group while the others (Karaj, Robert, Dev) removed the earth from the pathway which had slipped from the raised walls last Saturday (61 buckets. Total 4022).

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Challenge Fully

Friday 18 January, 2002

07.00 E&M 60 mins. I realise that I am having to start afresh every morning with the pain in my back. That’s okay. My problem has been that I have expected progress all the time, which is mentally exhausting. My rehabilitation still has 11½ months to run and that is only until the first review because after that it will continue to run for the rest of my life. So relax.

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Putting Recent Learning Into Practice

Thursday 17 January, 2002

07.00 E&M 30 mins followed by 60 minutes of physiotherapy. Spoke to the physio after the session about walking long distances (3 miles) and she said that I should build up to it but that it will not damage the nerve and will do me good because it is an excellent form of exercise. I left feeling that, having established a reference time yesterday, I can walk shorter distances and take things slowly. Karaj’s warning yesterday, that I may be overdoing it considering my plan of rehabilitation, stopped me in my tracks and made me see that I was finding another way to hurry things along. Rather than push myself in my exercises, I was returning too soon to a favoured activity.

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Commit To Now & Contribute

Wednesday 16 January, 2002

06.30 E&M 65 mins. The exercises are going well and are proving to be beneficial both physically and mentally. Furthermore, I walked all the way to the house this morning for the first time since the operation. It took me 80 minutes, which is 20 minutes longer than normal. This gives me something quantifiable against which I can measure my progress. When I arrived here I felt tired – I slept for nearly two hours – but satisfied with my achievement. Having started the week feeling tired, in pain and demotivated, I had a very productive day yesterday and a gratifying morning of exercise today.

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Not Being Heard

Sunday 13 January, 2002

07.25 E&M 30 mins. When the alarm went I was so tired I wondered how I would make it through the day. I left my exercises until the last minute, favouring a little extra sleep, and just did some gentle stretches when I finally got out of bed. On the way to the house I told myself I would try walking to the house next month. Then I told myself I would try it this week.

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