Negative to Positive

Monday 7 January, 2002

6.45 E&M 55 mins. As soon as I woke up the negativity started. My back hurt and I didn’t see the point of exercising. I also knew that I had a whole day of accounts ahead of me. Within two minutes, however, I was already feeling better both physically and mentally. The negativity is another aspect of my life which needs addressing this year. At the house Robert was there working and I talked to him about it. It is just a layer which we carry with us and is not a true reflection of who we are.

I have a wealth of evidence which says that I am good and successful, yet from the moment I wake up I am negative. By reminding myself – or praying first thing in the morning, as Robert does – I can strip away the layer of negativity and start the day on a positive footing. I am reminded of the preacher’s words yesterday: ‘See yourself as God sees you’. God does not see me as incapable or useless. To him I am a wonderful human being overflowing with ability and love.

Talked to Karaj, about dealing with my negativity and how to react when times are tough. He explained that, when things seem to be going against me, I need to keep my head, be patient, feel the desire I have to succeed and know that I have the ability to do so and that I will succeed.

I finished my yearly review and wrote my appraisal. During a break with Robert he told me that we are both writers. If I needed any confirmation that I am a writer this was it. Own it. He also said that he listens to me more than he does to Dev and Sunil because there is less of a culture gap with me. I found this very useful to know because I am sometimes reluctant to challenge Robert due to his elder status and his blocking and bullying tendencies. After talking to him this morning I feel more inclined to say what’s on my mind; especially as we are members of the same core group. Karaj later told me that Robert listens to me because I am respectful.

At home I decided to phone Francis. I have been thinking more and more about visiting Germany and the discussion I had with the men yesterday about goals and visions has crystallised my thoughts about working there. Francis and I spoke for an hour and a half and the time flew by. It was as if I was with him in his flat having our usual perspicacious conversation. It flowed naturally through all sorts of subjects and was highly constructive. I talked to him about working together some day and it is something we will continue to discuss when we meet up in a few weeks’ time.

It was an exciting conversation, but I felt a maturity within myself. My approach to any future collaboration is calm, relaxed, patient and assured. I know it will happen, I know we have the abilities and I can relax and enjoy the process. Francis is enthusiastic about working together. It was lovely to talk to him and to have done so at the beginning of the year, together with the manner of our communication, leant a permanence to our relationship which has always been there but is now more defined.

I went to bed feeling very good about a day which had started in negativity. Learn from this. Each day has the potential to be positive, enlightening and full of life. Whether I embrace those qualities is down to me and me alone. Be mindful. Slow down. Don’t get cocky.


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