Talking Things Through

Thursday 28 February, 2002

07.00 E&M 35 mins. Travelled to the house feeling good but annoyed at the prospect of spending the afternoon with Robert. It is always the initial contact which causes such feelings of reluctance and disdain. Once we had chatted I felt fine. For the rest of the day I was quiet. In my quietness I was aware that I need to be careful that I do not go too far and withdraw.

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It’s How You React That Matters

Tuesday 26 February, 2002

07.20 E&M 40 mins. On the way to the house I noticed my annoyance. I verbalised it to Karaj and that was all I needed to do. Karaj talked very positively about what he had told me yesterday – that my job is to focus on Germany. Whatever Karaj does, it is up to me to see it from the German point of view and to liaise with my contacts in Germany on the possibilities of working abroad.

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The Sadness Of Moving On

Sunday 24 February, 2002

Today we had a fuller house than usual – Robert, Dev, Sunil, Priya, Harriet, George and Ishwar. The supervision session in the morning was all about what had happened for people yesterday and the sadness involved.

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At Face Value

Saturday 23 February, 2002

07.30 E&M 35 mins. Karaj and I talked this morning about tangential transactions: the way he gets his message across to people by talking in front of them to another person. I told him he is also very straight with people – Robert for example. I am unable to be as straight. Karaj told me this is because I create internal aggression when I try, which then manifests itself outside. Robert is the same, which explains the initial tension between us whenever we get together.

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Live In The Question

Friday 22 February, 2002

I verbalised my feeling in the first break about the nasty taste in my mouth left by Robert’s comment to me that he is ‘very well’, which did not feel genuine. It’s the sort of thing I used to say to avoid verbalising the fact that I was not okay. That may be why I felt uneasy, because Robert’s behaviour was showing me myself. Because I am verbalising things more now, I am ready to see just how I have been in my life. I used to say things I thought people wanted to hear, or I kept things to myself, or I was manipulative and teased people into asking me more about how I am rather than simply coming out with it.

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Keep On Trying

Thursday 21 February, 2002

07.00 E&M 50 mins. Started the day with the feeling I’d done something wrong. The reason for this is because I am not being straight with people when I know that’s exactly what I should be doing. I try to be polite with people and end up being manipulative (game playing), instead of being straight with them.

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Say Goodbye To The Old Life

Wednesday 20 February, 2002

07.00 E&M 50 mins. The exercises were a little difficult – my pain and my limping, for whatever reason, seem worse at the moment – and I felt a little subdued this morning. I resolved to verbalise this to Karaj. I did so when we met this morning. I talked without any manipulating undertones or unspoken hooks to rescue me from myself. I simply told him where I am. He said I am doing well. Yesterday’s meeting with Calvin was a big step in the right direction for me, allowing me to see Karaj’s work first hand.

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Ask Him How Far He Has Come

Tuesday 19 February, 2002

06.55 E&M 55 mins. In the afternoon I accompanied Calvin to his meeting with social services about his son. I benefited greatly from the meeting. I learned a lot about the issues facing parents and the responsibilities of social services. I also saw how Calvin acts in such situations. He did speak but he did not distribute the copies of his written document until prompted by the chair. Additionally, I learned that he does not take the initiative and is not proactive in finding out how is son is doing at school or where he stands with social services.

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Lost In My Emotions

Sunday 17 February, 2002

Woke up feeling very tired and resentful – I just wanted to be asleep. Today is the third day in a row I haven’t exercised and I am blaming everyone but myself for that. On the bus to the house I told myself the negativity is my script – I am doing very well – and that my mind is playing with me. I stood firm even when my mind tried to convince me that the way I felt was the real me. After what I learned yesterday I know the true me exists ‘separately’ from my script. I told myself simply that I will not indulge in my negativity, no matter how tired I am and that I will take tomorrow morning off.

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The Ingenuity of Script

Saturday 16 February, 2002

Men’s Group. We talked about how our script fucks us up. We split up into pairs and it was while talking to Ishwar that I realised just how much damage I do to myself. I cause myself physical harm in order to get people (women) to mother me, and when things are going well for me I cause myself physical harm again. It is unintentional because I’m unaware I’m doing it, but still, how destructive is that?

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The Toilet Is All About Me

Friday 15 February, 2002

Slept through the alarm and didn’t wake until 07.40 – hence no exercises. Sunil arrived for the day and there was a different atmosphere to the one with just me and Karaj which has been there this week. It was less flowing, less effective, more stilted and I just wasn’t with it at all. I was different and obviously affected by the presence of another. I should have predicted this but I didn’t.

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Keep An Eye On Your Script

Thursday 14 February, 2002

07.30 E&M 40 mins. Spent the morning checking and updating my self-appraisal. For some reason, I am still dissatisfied with the summary of my Germany trip, but the writings since my return are exciting.

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Launderette Insights

Tuesday 12 February, 2002

08.45 E&M 50 mins. I took the morning off and went to the launderette. While I was there, reading my book (Veronika Beschließt Zu Sterben – Paulo Coehlo), I realised that my naïvety is my greatest asset. It’s what carries me forward. That is why I make such progress. I talked to Karaj about it later and he said that my naïvety underpins my curiosity and together they result in me viewing my reality with a stubborn questioning as to why people seem to react differently to how I think they should react, causing me to want to know more and find out why.

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The Power of Writing

Monday 11 February, 2002

07.15 E&M 30 mins. I spent the day getting my appraisal up to date. There have been many learning points over the last week.

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