Planning, Independence & Sadness

Tuesday 5 February, 2002

07.30 E&M 45 mins. As we sat together drinking a cup of tea before Francis left for work and I for the airport, Francis said that we need to get back to what we do which makes these get-togethers possible, and to find our own space again because we would get on each other’s nerves if we stayed together for much longer. [Karaj: You did not plan your trip.]

The second part hurt me initially, but I also knew it to be true. We had a great time this week but were not able to find our respective spaces and it has had an adverse effect on me: not enough exercise or discipline, and not enough effort to meet up with other people because I preferred to spend time with Francis.

I do the same with my brother. I will only make my own arrangements if it is not possible for us to spend time together. I need to establish my own independence – but then there is the sadness I feel at being so selfish and the assumption that I am letting others (Francis, my brother) down. This is all mind fucking. Stop it.

By saying what he said, Francis demonstrated his Parent ego state (he was probably saying those things as much to himself as to me) and showed me how I am still prone to my Child ego sate; I was on the verge of my usual emotional state at the end of a good time as well as bashing myself up for not seeing one of the other people I’d like to have seen. Stop it.

Sitting in the airport I felt a little sadness but I also felt good; more solid than times gone by. Am I sad because Francis and I need more time together? No, we’re making very good use of every opportunity we have. If I’m sad then I am sad for myself. These are the same feelings and questions I have after spending time with my brother. What’s going on?


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