Greater Control Over My Emotions

Sunday 31 March, 2002

Woke up this morning feeling alone and emotional. I was at a wedding yesterday; everyone had been part of a couple, and now I felt the reality of moving out of Aubrey’s house. Two days ago Sunil and Robert had helped me move most of my belongings out. I had not felt sad in any way, although there was a little excitement about moving on (emotion), but now the sadness was there. I immediately got to work on cleaning the kitchen. I knew I had to do physical work to get me out of my head.

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Deal With Whatever Comes Our Way

Wednesday 27 March, 2002

07.20 E&M 50 mins. Yesterday I worked with Karaj laying slabs in the far corner of the sunken garden. The weather was gorgeous and as I stood in the garden this morning I was fully aware of the change in season and the fact that not only had I survived the winter, I had done very well with it. The challenge remains, however, to be totally unaffected by the seasons. My balance is my success.

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Be Fully Present

Sunday 24 March, 2002

07.45 E&M 25 mins. As I sat quietly after finishing my exercises I began to feel the negativity. I told myself I have a lot to be positive about (from yesterday alone) and that I should grab hold of it and use it. I also predicted that I would have an initial problem with Robert when we met, as I always do. Consequently, I left the house in a much better frame of mind than I would otherwise have done. When the men arrived I noticed that I did not have to negotiate any hurdle with Robert. The day had started very well.

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On The Edge Of A Breakthrough

Saturday 23 March, 2002

07.55 E&M 30 mins. I felt tired, in pain, and resentful. The pain was caused by my back – after yesterday’s physical work my pelvis has sprung back to its unbalanced position which is both depressing and uncomfortable. The resentment is the same as it always is when I feel it. I cannot seem to get on top of it and it causes me to become irritable, argumentative and fall into my fuck-you attitude, the ultimate conclusion to which is to throw everything into the air and walk away.

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Predict, Plan, Prepare

Friday 22 March, 2002

07.25 E&M 40 mins. The subdued feeling is still there. I feel in limbo. It’s as if I want to make the most of the opportunity to feel down (old life) yet I don’t really have anything to be down about. My mind reminds me that I have none of the trappings of a secure and stable life which all my friends have (comparisons) but, at the same time, I know they are not what I am looking for. Even Francis’s latest letter which I received yesterday can be used as evidence that I am not doing as well as my friends. When I read it I had Karaj’s words in my head suggesting that I have a long way to go before I am as competent or as capable as Francis, so again, I find myself comparing. For fuck’s sake, accept who I am. I’m good.

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Accept My Contribution & Commitment

Thursday 21 March, 2002

07.30 E&M 55 mins. I still felt run down and tired today. Also, the pain and stiffness in my back is getting to me. I travelled to the house with thoughts about my lack of money, accommodation, income and social life, and wondering what it would be like to have a girlfriend. I recognised these signs as my script trying to tempt me back to my old life and I relaxed. There is no obvious explanation for how I feel. I spoke to Karaj in London, and he is feeling much the same; he is in pain and cannot sleep. He said we are doing well and poised to do better.

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Blocked or Lazy?

Wednesday 20 March, 2002

07.20 E&M 40 mins. I woke up with a stiff back; the stiffness has moved from the right side of my lower back/hip to the base of my spine. I also had a headache and a run-down feeling. There should be no real reason for feeling run down.

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Negativity & Smiling

Monday 18 March, 2002

I woke up feeling negative but talked myself out of it pretty quickly. My back felt very stiff after yesterday’s bucket work. Spent the day on my own, waiting for the carpet men to arrive. Dev phoned and we chatted prior to his interview. Afterwards I sat and thought about the contribution I make to people when I put a smile on their face. I remember Robert telling me that I had made him laugh on the phone at a time when it was precisely what he had needed. This helps me to let go of my negativity because I know I can be funny in other, more appropriate ways.

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Emotional Games

Sunday 17 March, 2002

Karaj told me that everything will come together for me in about five years’ time. It’s just like it was learning German, just a little tougher – this is life.

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Priority: Sort Yourself Out

Saturday 16 March, 2002

Men’s Group. Before the group started I pastimed with Leon and he told me about his issues. I was tempted to tell him to raise them in the group because he needed to share them with us rather than carry them around on his own. I said nothing because I felt that there would come an opportunity for me to do so later in the day.

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One Day I Will Win

Thursday 14 March, 2002

07.00 E&M 55 mins. Feeling positive if a little tired. Karaj and I had breakfast together and then at lunchtime we shifted the huge and cumbersome fence panels, two of which had blown over during the night. The first two were no problem but the third got stuck as we slid it over the paving stones along the side of the house. As we got it going again the fourth panel blew over onto my head. I immediately knew I had to go to hospital, even before I saw the blood dripping onto my clothes, my shoes and the concrete floor. I sat in A&E for 5½ hours and had six stitches in a deep cut.

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Written Evidence of Learning

Tuesday 12 March, 2002

07.05 E&M 60 mins. I began a letter to Francis. I wrote down everything I learnt last week and was taken aback by the comprehensive list I drew up:

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Negative & Positive

Sunday 10 March, 2002

07.30 E&M 40 mins. Left home with a headache and feeling a little under the weather, but determined to keep on top of my resentment and withdrawal by staying in the moment and not drifting off into my daydreams of how I think the world should be.

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Are You Ready To Move Forward?

Saturday 9 March, 2002

08.30 E&M 30 mins. Spent the morning with Karaj. We talked about criteria: these are the rules which allow me to assess whether I am achieving my goals and if not why not?

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