On The Edge Of A Breakthrough

Saturday 23 March, 2002

07.55 E&M 30 mins. I felt tired, in pain, and resentful. The pain was caused by my back – after yesterday’s physical work my pelvis has sprung back to its unbalanced position which is both depressing and uncomfortable. The resentment is the same as it always is when I feel it. I cannot seem to get on top of it and it causes me to become irritable, argumentative and fall into my fuck-you attitude, the ultimate conclusion to which is to throw everything into the air and walk away.

At the house Karaj talked to me about the space I am in. I told him I feel tired and in pain. He asked me what the pain was all about, but I could only tell him my physiological diagnosis. He then proceeded to give me the psychological explanation. He told me that because my time in Aubrey’s house is coming to an end, I am in turmoil. The reason for this is that, although my stay is over, my work with Karaj and the life I have led for two years goes on, and my brain cannot cope with the fact that there is both an end and a continuation. The result is that I want an end to everything, hence the feelings I have had recently about packing it all in.

Karaj told me that it will take me three months to settle down again and that those three months will be tough. My physical pain will worsen because my attention is on the psychological stuff. So, relax. He told me that we are on the edge of a breakthrough which is why there is so much proper confusion. It is the same for some of the men in the group which is why our scripts are coming more and more to the surface. Such a situation can only be reached through hard work on the self and that is precisely what I have been doing for the last two years.

He went on to tell me that I need to work closely with Dev. We are very similar and we have common issues to work through. We should make the most of this and really challenge each other, have arguments with each other, and push ourselves to progress.

My changing circumstances are real and they will provide me with certainty. That is the cause of some of my problems because Karaj tells me that I do not like certainty because it means that I cannot play games. He continued, telling me I am creating tension where there isn’t any. Relax. He added that there will be times when I feel Karaj is getting at me. He is not. He is there to help me.

In the afternoon Karaj asked me to say a few words to the women’s group about where I am and the role I play in the work we do here. Initially I was nervous but I had time to myself to think about what to say and how to say it. Some of the things I needed to be aware of whilst talking were:

  • be upbeat
  • be a man
  • speak loudly
  • no hand movements
  • no ‘umming’ and ‘erring’
  • no over-sincerity
  • state the facts
  • remain unattached
  • relax – they see the calm, they don’t see what’s going on inside
  • I’m in charge

I delivered my short talk very well and I enjoyed myself. I did notice the habit of mine to repeat points two or three times over. This must be connected to my unconscious belief that I am not heard. I ended by telling them that what happens in both the men’s and women’s group is that people are guided and supported in developing their skills and capabilities and fulfilling their potential as human beings. Karaj added the important point that all people who come here are executives.

In the evening I phoned Ed and Peter, and had a good chat with both. Peter told me about his girlfriend’s anxiety at not knowing what to do with her life at the age of 30. I realised how fortunate I am because I was in the same position for many years, but I have found something worthwhile to do which gives me the sort of satisfaction and fulfilment I have never really known before. He also told me about another friend who went on holiday with him and Ed and spent the whole time being negative and speaking to his girlfriend on the phone. Again, a reminder to me of just how far I have come.

Related post: Close To A Breakthrough

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