This Is How He Works

Sunday 28 April, 2002

After yesterday’s feedback, I woke up feeling fucked in every way and from every angle. I felt nauseated, dizzy and was breathing irregularly. I got into the work with Dev and we worked well. Faster and more effectively than yesterday and we did a good job on the panels. I engaged, remained focused and stayed with the job in hand. It got me out of my state.

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I Haven’t Lived Up To Expectations

Saturday 27 April, 2002

I was not fully with it today and things got worse in this afternoon’s meeting. Karaj told everyone that I have not lived up to his expectations. I have not done what he had hoped I would (take control, show initiative, assert myself and be accountable and responsible), that I am very immature and childish, and that it will take five years of hard work from both of us for me to grow up.

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Be With People

Friday 26 April, 2002

Again, I started the day being very quiet; remembering my seriousness. It is a strength of mine. When I begin to get jokey it all too often gets out of hand and I lose control. Later, I isolated myself, using lunch as a convenient pretext to be away from Karaj and Sunil who were fixing the lawnmower. I did get involved towards the end and was pleased to be able to play some part in fixing it. Wake up and be with people!

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I Have The Choice

Wednesday 24 April, 2002

I woke up feeling tired, angry and negative. In the supervision session with Karaj and Robert, I was unable to get control of my emotions. The theme for the day was set: choice. I have the choice to live my life however I want. Karaj said that I am making a choice every second anyway. The choices I make at present are based on perpetuating my script – immaturity, negativity, emotion, disability.

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Arse On The Line

Monday 22 April, 2002

I talked to Karaj about his peace and agony in life. There is no escape from life and there are battles to face right until the end. No greater than facing pain and becoming detached from it so that we can die peacefully with a genuine smile on our face. He told me the story of the women who lay dying in bed and told her teacher that she was ready to go. He replied that she was not ready. She suffered for a further two years before she died. Only detachment from my pain will prepare me for death.

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More Mature Territory

Saturday 20 April, 2002

This week has been a relatively quiet one, but not without its challenges. They did not affect me as much as in the past because, as I have been able to see for myself this week, I am now moving into more mature territory.

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The Anxiety Will Never Completely Go

Saturday 13 April, 2002

Yesterday evening we talked about transcending the negatives and positives. Rather than aim for equilibrium, from where I can be pushed and pulled towards the polarities of negative and positive, my aim should be to be detached from it all. I was also challenged to say what I am going to actually do in today’s men’s group. I couldn’t think of anything, so Karaj left me to torture myself with it, saying that it doesn’t matter if it’s hypothetical because I am creating my day. I’m taking charge.

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Relax & Get On With Life

Thursday 11 April, 2002

07.30 40 mins. Struggled out of bed and it took a couple of hours for me to get a grip on my negativity. I had a plan for the day but little motivation. Karaj had given me all the support I needed yesterday. Surely I could change my attitude.

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Cut It Out

Wednesday 10 April, 2002

07.30 45 mins. I went to bed last night feeling anxious that I had not done enough with my day and that I continue to let Karaj down. The anxiety was still there this morning and it took a few talks with Karaj throughout the course of the day to sort it out.

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Yearly Appraisal

Tuesday 9 April, 2002

The past year saw a continuation of the guidance Karaj has given me throughout my time at the house. I have listened to what he has told me and, as a result, my development has continued towards a greater maturity and a more fundamental balance in my life. I came to terms with the guilt I had at living rent-free in Aubrey’s house. As with all the major breakthroughs I have made, it took time but Karaj made it clear to me that if I do not accept people’s generosity, they will take it away and not offer it again.

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My Arrogance

Sunday 7 April, 2002

07.20 40 mins. Once again I felt foggy in the morning and took time to get started. I soon began hurrying about trying to do things myself even though I had Ishwar with me. In the feedback session he raised this and I realised what I had been doing and what I always do. I make suggestions about what needs to be done and when people don’t do it I can blame them. I make this worse by rushing about trying do everything myself.

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More Conscious, More Achievement

Saturday 6 April, 2002

This day started with pre-appraisal questions. 35 of them. Below are a few examples. The effects were the same as on Monday: I felt anxiety about my answers, yet the process provided me with more tools with which to move forward in my life. For the rest of the day we worked outside erecting the gates for Shona and her neighbour.

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A Guest Arrives & Scripts Emerge

Friday 5 April, 2002

09.00 120 mins. Physio. It was a good workout and, rather than return to the house and rest, I remained active throughout the day. We spent the day putting up the tunnel panels down to the sunken garden prior to the men’s group. Shona came out of hospital today. She would later cause a drama in the middle of the men’s group by becoming ill again, but Karaj handled it with his usual straightness and with complete control of his emotions.

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A Fitting Way To Leave

Thursday 4 April, 2002

7.20 40 mins. Started work on Aubrey’s house with a trip to the laundrette and finished 14 hours later in the kitchen. I completed 24 tasks off my to do list and cleaned the house from top to bottom and front to back. It was a fitting way to move out and, because I was busy all day, there was no time at all to get emotional. I took regular breaks and crossed the items off my list as I went. Tom came round to drop off his wedding present and wished me well, telling me to keep in touch. Karaj picked me up and I left the house satisfied with the work I had done and as ready as I could be to move on.

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