Yearly Appraisal

Tuesday 9 April, 2002

The past year saw a continuation of the guidance Karaj has given me throughout my time at the house. I have listened to what he has told me and, as a result, my development has continued towards a greater maturity and a more fundamental balance in my life. I came to terms with the guilt I had at living rent-free in Aubrey’s house. As with all the major breakthroughs I have made, it took time but Karaj made it clear to me that if I do not accept people’s generosity, they will take it away and not offer it again.

[Karaj: Also when somebody is giving you a leg up take it. The chance may never arise again and then we will regret it for ever.]

I have made progress towards giving up football and thus clearing a whole area of my life which can be filled more purposefully and with less emotion. I have seen the importance of creating and building relationships with people and how this can be done at a gentler pace rather than the intense, pressured hurry which affects much of my life. Indeed, I have learnt that the more I rush towards a move to Germany, the more that opportunity will recede. I have a vision and that is enough, along with assessing what I can do each day to move gradually a step closer to my goal.

I have started to own what I have achieved and who I am. I am moving from the critical perfectionist who sees everything as not good enough, towards a greater appreciation of every achievement, no matter how small. I’m also verbalising more and seeing the benefit of externalising my thoughts and issues, especially with the other men, who hear me and support me.

The last 10 days have brought a fitting close to the year. I have seen just how dominated my life is by my emotions. They do not just signify the highs and lows of my life but permeate every facet of my being. I have also seen my arrogance more fully than I have been prepared to admit in the past. I have talked to the men about both of these elements and have already begun to lead a more stable and humble life. The most recent gift which Karaj has given me is the framework within which I can live my life more effectively.

By reflecting on each day, planning for the next, implementing and adhering to procedures and setting up my goals and contributions in advance, as well as considering the contributions of those around me, I can structure my life the way I want to and, in doing so, I will become much more effective.

For the coming year: It is time for the learning to stop and the procedures to begin. I have learnt a vast amount over the last two years and the time has come to put that learning to use. The apprenticeship is over [Karaj: It is never over.] and it is time to take responsibility for myself, my space and for my work. Karaj has said that I must become a senior manager and in order to do that I have to start behaving like one. I have recently learnt the importance (for all concerned) of giving instructions rather than trying to do everything myself, whilst at the same time blaming everyone.

I have hitherto relied on Karaj to tell me what to do. I have to take control of my life and use the abilities I have to complete tasks, foresee problems, come up with solutions and use my initiative and judgement to deal with everything that comes my way instead of checking it all first with Karaj. I have spent my life coming from the belief that I am wrong or incapable. That has to stop. I am competent and capable and there is nothing wrong with making mistakes. In addition, rather than believe no one can help me, I would do well to remember that I am here to serve others. And in doing so, I serve myself.


Leave a Reply