The Anxiety Will Never Completely Go

Saturday 13 April, 2002

Yesterday evening we talked about transcending the negatives and positives. Rather than aim for equilibrium, from where I can be pushed and pulled towards the polarities of negative and positive, my aim should be to be detached from it all. I was also challenged to say what I am going to actually do in today’s men’s group. I couldn’t think of anything, so Karaj left me to torture myself with it, saying that it doesn’t matter if it’s hypothetical because I am creating my day. I’m taking charge.

Men’s group. The morning began with anxiety and gradually got worse. I eventually verbalised it, and the ensuing discussion showed me that my anxiety and negativity are never going to go away and the only way to deal with them is planning, prediction and procedures. Throughout the day I had good talks with Dev – we share so many issues – and the talks helped me to see that I have been awaiting the day when I would be free of my anxiety and be completely sorted out. That is not going to happen. I have to keep on top of things each second, with procedures.

I also discount what I have achieved. The little things I consider unimportant, are important. I was challenged again about what I would DO today. I could not answer and another talk with Dev followed. I am creative but I use my creativity for negative, destructive, blaming, anxious purposes. Change to positivity. Dev told me to relax and something would come to me. At lunch I could have isolated myself but I sat with the men and contributed to the discussions with stories and anecdotes I would normally not bother to share. At the end of lunch the idea came to me to read a prayer, which I did later in the evening (Illuminata p.190).

Francis and Paula came to visit for the weekend and, having picked them up in the morning and dropped them off at the guesthouse, Francis arrived for an hour in the evening. I went into Child ego state (where I had been most of the day), failed to introduce him but kept calm and steady when challenged by Karaj.

  • I need to get out of my emotional state whatever the cost.
  • When I’m in my mind I forget my body. Get into my body.

At the end of the day I was challenged by Karaj for everything I said in my summing up. I remained calm and carried on. Finally he picked out my affirmations – that I am good and I am okay – telling me he would challenge me on them all week.


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