I Haven’t Lived Up To Expectations

Saturday 27 April, 2002

I was not fully with it today and things got worse in this afternoon’s meeting. Karaj told everyone that I have not lived up to his expectations. I have not done what he had hoped I would (take control, show initiative, assert myself and be accountable and responsible), that I am very immature and childish, and that it will take five years of hard work from both of us for me to grow up.

This knocked me sidewards. It wasn’t so much a surprise but the impact of hearing such truths about myself left me reeling. It also emerged that I have no vision about my life. When the others (Dev, Ishwar, Sunil) were told to sort me out I could not move. I am blocked and have no vision. No wonder I lack motivation. I went to bed feeling very low about myself.

My script: a child who demeans himself all the time. Only when I come to terms with that and live with it, rather than try to change it, will I mature. Trying to get away from AC behaviour is, in itself, AC behaviour. I am discovering who I am and all the illusions I have had about myself are disappearing. The harsh reality is not pretty, but that is what I wanted when I came here; although I did not think things were quite as serious as they now appear.

[Karaj: Great. Now we can sort it out.]

2 Responses to “I Haven’t Lived Up To Expectations”

  1. Eveline Says:

    Hmmmm… I see what you mean about this post. Good thing that we all know you turned out just fine and far beyond that. It’s all just a party of the journey. X

  2. Jonathan Lewis Says:

    It is a good thing it turned out okay. There were times I wasn’t sure. In fact, this entry forms the tip of a sizeable iceberg which comes my way over the next 18 months. It gets worse before it gets better… x

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