Discounting My Awareness

Friday 31 May, 2002

I arrived in Germany yesterday feeling more composed and less excited by the trip than I have usually felt in the past. A good sign. Conversation flowed as usual and we chatted as we always do. Once again, we hit the ground running. Today was the first full day and we filled it. The weather was beautiful – just how I like it – and in the early evening Francis, Paula and I sat in the cool breeze of the Berger Straße, and set the tone of the evening with comments about the Bedienung (waitress). Francis and I were each other’s captive audience as we traded perspectives on her, on us, on her moods and on ours.

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Whatever I Want, I Can Have

Tuesday 28 May, 2002

A day in which I set myself up to be negative about myself was turned around by a phone call from Dev. We laughed together and, by talking to him about my process, I was able to see for myself that my problem with writing the latest appraisals was down to my negativity about myself; something which I can turn around by accentuating the positives. We also talked about visions and, again, our conversation highlighted how I automatically introduce ‘reality’ into my thoughts.

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From Isolation To Contribution

Sunday 26 May, 2002

Woke up feeling under the weather – it was this thought which let in my script and without knowing I isolated myself – preferring to mess about with the broken key in the lock rather than join the others in the garden. Robert returned and sorted it straight away. Karaj challenged me immediately about my isolation and I felt much easier in myself as a result. The fact that I had struggled unsuccessfully with the key was proof that I had wanted to isolate myself – as highlighted by Dev.

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Spent the morning working on SHG appraisals with Ishwar. The learning point which came out of it when Karaj returned with Dev, was that there is no need for me to go into therapy issues with Ishwar, or anyone else. My job is to make sure that they do their job, and whatever Ishwar writes or remembers or forgets for his appraisal, that is where he is, and Karaj will take it from there. This makes it easier for all concerned.

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Drafting The Contract

Wednesday 22 May, 2002

Karaj told me this morning that I need to be able to deal with people who suck my energy. I need to challenge them and/or avoid them. I felt irritated by Simran. He is still acting like a scolded child – withdrawn and silent. Later, in the supervision, I missed him not following us out. He is not engaging with the group and I have to be more observant of everything around me.

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Meeting The Minimum Standard

Sunday 19 May, 2002

Ishwar arrived after the meeting this morning and I filled him in. Karaj challenged me immediately because I started with a task rather than enthusiasm. The meeting had created energy about where we all were and I began with what needed doing. Lesson.

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A Change Of Name

Saturday 18 May, 2002

In the morning I took control, giving instructions to Dev and George as we prepared for the day. Because I knew what needed to be done, I didn’t feel so uneasy giving orders; it is when I am unsure that my problems start.  Talked to Dev about my contribution to the ceremony (Sunil was going to change his name back to the one his original family had given him, rather than the one he was given by his family in England when he came here as a small boy).

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What Matters Is What I Do Now

Friday 17 May, 2002

The evening was spent planning the weekend. We wrote everything down on the flip chart so that everybody was clear what needed to be done and when to do it.

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Look At What I Want Before I Move

Thursday 16 May, 2002

In this morning’s conversation with Karaj about the Manchester trip it came up that I have not been certain about going. Compare the certainty I have with trips to Germany. My please others driver needs to be addressed. What I have done with this trip – and I do it all the time – is split myself between trying to please two or more parties, without any consideration for what I want.

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Live In The Problem

Wednesday 15 May, 2002

I went with Sunil to visit his solicitor. The purpose (for me) was to support him in the meeting to clarify legal documents; to make sure he did not withdraw and stayed present, alive and assertive throughout.

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Completion & Prediction

Thursday 9 May, 2002

One lesson from this week has been how I have finished jobs. I have always had a tendency to move on to other things when I begin to reach the end of a job. On Tuesday, with the appraisal work, I was tempted to move onto something else having done 85% of it. I told myself to continue and finish the job. That’s what I did, and not only did I feel the satisfaction of completion, I was also not left with the usual loose end, which eventually weighs me down; especially when it is joined by all the other loose ends from other work which I leave incomplete.

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Stop The Process Until You Are Heard

Wednesday 8 May, 2002

Yesterday I chatted to Karaj about how I had overruled Robert on the drilling of the RSJ on Saturday. Unfortunately I had not verbalised it and I need to do so. It will help me, and it will help Ishwar because he is similarly not heard.

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Woke up feeling so tired that I could not think of anything other than my tiredness. That was good. The day went very well. Karaj involved me fully which served to highlight not only my abilities but also the lack of belief I have in myself.

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Pursue & Be Pursued

Sunday 5 May, 2002

Once again, I felt inadequate today and incapable of any contribution. I did contribute, however. I maintained focus, and recognised the need to work with Sunil after he had been challenged during a supervision. I had been challenged too, about my Germany trip. The conclusion is that I am not ready to represent Karaj; I still have a lot of work to do yet. Such challenges and feedback fill me with shame and annoyance at myself. Why am I so inadequate?

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