Pursue & Be Pursued

Sunday 5 May, 2002

Once again, I felt inadequate today and incapable of any contribution. I did contribute, however. I maintained focus, and recognised the need to work with Sunil after he had been challenged during a supervision. I had been challenged too, about my Germany trip. The conclusion is that I am not ready to represent Karaj; I still have a lot of work to do yet. Such challenges and feedback fill me with shame and annoyance at myself. Why am I so inadequate?

Finished the day off well with intensive work storing the ceiling jacks in the tunnel and logging & putting things away in the shed. I am effective when told what to do but don’t seem to have the capacity, or confidence, or self-belief to think for myself. We tackled some agenda items during breaks from the physical work – v. effective.

There was further progress amongst the youngers in the way we support each other. I was challenged on what I want from my Germany trip. As Karaj pointed out, we need to pursue each other and not give up. It’s no good to anyone to let each other off the hook. If we are to change we need pursue and be pursued. When that happens everyone benefits.

Again, Karaj encouraged me. He apologised for all the challenges but said that they are what I need in order to grow. My parents did not do their job in that respect so he is having to do it. I recognise that and I know I need to be challenged. As yesterday, his words meant a lot to me.


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