Always Have A Back-Up Plan

Sunday 30 June, 2002

Targets

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Put Myself Forward

Saturday 29 June, 2002

What I did accomplish and why? (Achievements, Node, Contribution.)

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Targets

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Fuck Up & Smile

Wednesday 26 June, 2002

If I want to succeed in my journey of self-improvement then I can help myself greatly by keeping my habits and environment the same. This reduces the variables and allows me to get to my core.

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Just Get On With Life

Tuesday 25 June, 2002

Yesterday I felt the presence of the emotions I associate with a return from Germany: a little disillusionment about what I am doing; the desire to spend more time with Francis in Germany, advancing our friendship and doing what we do so well; and a general questioning of my life. It is a sadness which Francis and I had predicted at the weekend and which is perfectly normal. I did not feel as down as I have done in the past.

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Showered, packed and spent a final hour with Francis. Both of us are very satisfied with the way things have gone: we planned what needed to be planned, we got the project going, wrote to-do lists, verbalised, wrote the diary, found our own space, and relished each other’s company. I have never seen Francis so relaxed as he has been this summer, especially the last week or so. I too, am more relaxed about who and where I am, with a renewed motivation to verbalise, observe and to determine what it is that I want in life.

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A Privileged Friendship

Saturday 22 June, 2002

Last night, Paula raised outstanding issues with me – how she had behaved when drunk the other night – and for the rest of the night we chatted about how well we are all doing and that we just need to keep on going. Nobody said it would be easy. Just by verbalising her issues Paula set us all off on a conversational summary of what we have achieved. Great stuff.

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I Make Things Complicated

Friday 14 June, 2002

Finally got going on Francis’s work issues. The word ‘finally’ in that sentence suggests I have been putting myself under pressure to do something which I was building up to be bigger than it is or needs to be. I make things complicated. We spent an hour talking about Francis’s work issues and I typed notes. We have taken the first step and already Francis is feeling better and has a better handle on what he needs to do.

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Appreciative Feedback

Tuesday 4 June, 2002

It was great to see Martin and how well he is doing in sorting himself out. Here is a man who could quite easily go under with all the problems he has (had), but he is getting on with his life and he is verbalising. He talked the whole time he was here and then left us to it. He would go bonkers if he didn’t talk. Verbalisation. He told me that he could not have had a better lodger than me. That was nice. How far he has come since I lived there. His words from three years ago which he wrote in the book he gave me (Siddhartha by Herman Hesse), are being realised:

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A Chance To Redress The Balance

Sunday 2 June, 2002

Four games today and England v Sweden took its place. No build up, no surprises, move on.

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What About What I Want?

Saturday 1 June, 2002

My thoughts started to get negative today as I saw just how ‘please others’ I am. I go along with whatever’s going on around me rather than influencing it any way. This applies to the verbalisation too, or rather a lack of it, as I keep on keeping things to myself. The Please Others driver always takes me into a position of trying to see both sides, which is why I accept people’s words so easily. What is my position? It’s the original question from all those years ago, and I still haven’t answered it. Also saw my lack of discipline; where are the exercises, and what about what I want to do? I defer too quickly and easily. It’s time to take this opportunity fully and take ‘risks’. That’s what I told myself today. Grow up.

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