Put Myself Forward

Saturday 29 June, 2002

What I did accomplish and why? (Achievements, Node, Contribution.)

There was no hint of resentment in the early morning when the men arrived. I have often had this in the past because of the negativity which accompanies me in the mornings. On the contrary, I was pleased to see them and pastimed easily, comfortably and naturally.

Worked hard again in the garden clearing the earth for the patio in front of the main bed. We established one of the best chains for dumping the buckets up behind the large panels in the sunken garden. I verbalised this and promptly spilled some earth into the pond below – I’d got cocky.

I challenged Harriet about bringing paper for the printer because she wanted to use it. I simply wanted to establish that her intentions were not subservient – they were not – but having done so I started to bash myself up for being arrogant. I later apologised to her for this (in order to make myself feel better and clear the air!), which invited a rescue on her part as she said that there was no problem.

I was the one who fastened the bolts on the panels and secured the chains for the RHS panels and I enjoyed being at the hub of the activity, such that when Karaj called it a day, I wanted to carry on. Nevertheless I had just enough time to cook food for Dev before he left with Simran and Calvin to go dancing. I had said all along that I would make sure he had something to eat and I was not going to let him down. I cooked it, washed his food box and got his food ready for him to take. He was very appreciative.

In the supervision, I spoke confidently and loudly, and verbalised all my thoughts and feelings. It felt good to do so and made a change from my usual childish behaviour of withdrawal and no commitment. I listened to the feedback from Ishwar, Robert and George and did not try to manipulate the situation or give a false impression of myself. I am here to learn. Deceiving people gets me nowhere.

During the evening I talked about a feeling I first had when I was in my early teens – that I do not want to turn out like my father.  I remember concluding that he lacks ambition and that my life would turn out differently. I would not simply stay in one place and one job and that I would use my abilities rather than play it safe and settle for something less than I deserve.

[Karaj: You are doing well. Just keep going till you die.]

What I did not achieve and why?

Again, my observations were intermittent and my support of the other members of the group was equally sparse.

Learning points

  • I can start to put myself forward and take the responsibility myself rather than wait to be invited. (It has been Karaj who told me to deal with the bolts and chains.)
  • The issue of the inheritance (raised in the supervision) is a serious one. Immediate wealth could undermine all my self-development work and ruin my life. The subject requires contemplation.

 


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