Stick To Procedures

Wednesday 31 July, 2002

We finished the computer install today. Karaj highlighted my lack of a systematic approach to my life and my work. I talked to Ishwar about how I rush around all the time, in a hurry, cutting corners, getting nowhere. It was good for me to talk about it. Ishwar does it too. While we were talking Simran isolated himself. By not keeping an eye on him we had let him down, not supported him.

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Why Don’t People Listen?

Tuesday 30 July, 2002

Another humid and tired day. I felt some emotions about not having achieved any of my own work over the last couple of days, but I did not react to them. I knew what was going on and that the evening would bring an opportunity to achieve something. In short, I relaxed. And besides, the work with Karaj has been necessary and we have made good progress.

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Consistent Support

Saturday 27 July, 2002

From start to finish I have been busy today. I have felt tired all day but I have been aware of it and I functioned very well. It was a subdued group before unloading the wood. Dev suggested it may have something to do with Robert, which made sense to me. I talked to Simran about his withdrawn state. Any verbalisation will do when we are working together because when he relates to me I know he is there and part of the team. Notice that I tend to withdraw too, if I am not aware of Simran sucking me in.

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We Have Moved Today

Wednesday 24 July, 2002

Worked well with Karaj. I am seeing how I become emotional. As a result, I have stayed calm all day. This has been easy; it is when I am under pressure that I will revert to script. Nevertheless, having seen who I am at the weekend, I am relaxed about it and telling myself that all I have to do is to continue with the discipline of the 18-hour day. I am getting more out of life this way. Enriching.

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You Have To Keep Doing It

Tuesday 23 July, 2002

I had to tell myself a few times to calm down, relax and take one thing at a time instead of getting distracted by my preoccupations with what I have to do. Karaj phoned. Whatever I verbalised about what I have taken from the last few days, he said, ‘I’ve heard it all before. You have to keep doing it when your are low, in winter as well as summer‘. He’s right of course.

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Time To Decide

Saturday 20 July, 2002

Today we analysed the facts, perceptions and scripts involved in the contract weekend two weeks ago. Before we began I spent some time in conversation with Dev. He has succeeded because he comes here, listens to Karaj, wants to change and works hard. We also talked about the congruency of thoughts (Parent), observations (Adult) and feelings (Child).

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Rise To The Challenge

Thursday 18 July, 2002

I went low when the cost of the computer repairs was established and struggled to get out of it. Karaj on the other hand came alive. He told me that when things go wrong we need to rise to the challenge and in the midst of the negativity do all we can to move our process on a little way so that when the negativity passes we are a little further forward than before and so can hit the ground running again.

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Analysis & Script

Tuesday 16 July, 2002

Started the day with exercises and a chat with Karaj. We talked about my lack of analysis. With Ishwar during the second exercise on Saturday, I did not analyse my efforts to get the conversation going. Instead I made myself wrong, like I always do. In addition, I am trying to conquer my script. What’s the point? My script will always be with me and that is what I can analyse. Start from, ‘I must be in script, now where is it?

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Hard Work?

Monday 15 July, 2002

In the afternoon Karaj and I chatted while Karaj waited for Aaliyah who did not arrive for her appointment. He told me not to take his comments personally. We were talking specifically about the times he tells me in the group that I do not work hard enough. He said that this is more for the benefit of other people – they should see that they do not work hard.

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Continue With The Quietness

Saturday 13 July, 2002

Targets/Agenda Items

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Work Harder

Thursday 11 July, 2002

I talked to Karaj about last night’s phone call with Robert. I had thought it is my job to support people and to allow them to talk, and to verbalise my thoughts and feelings. In addition I had taken it upon myself to try and be like Karaj. This is where I go wrong. In trying to be someone else I am not being true to myself. I am highly competent and have a multitude of skills but it is only when I’m me that those skills and competence show through.

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So Easily Sucked In

Wednesday 10 July, 2002

Shona phoned me to say that she would not be planting flowers today as we had agreed to do together. She was very apologetic and this took me back. It was as if she was letting me down, which was not the case. In the end, when she said, ‘I will do it’, I found myself saying, ‘Make sure you do’. I had become the unwitting persecutor of someone who had so obviously placed themselves in the victim position. When I told Karaj this he explained that this is what Shona does.

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Every Thought & Feeling

Monday 8 July, 2002

I read through my Sicily work and appraisals at intervals today and found them encouraging, insightful and well written. At one point I was in the process of realising how good I am and what a contribution I have made to the group when Shona called me over because she had a couple of things she wanted to say to me. I immediately felt in trouble and went from knowing I’m good, to feeling I’m wrong. Amazing. When I told Karaj this he simply said, ‘Yeah, that’s what she does to me too, and I get rebellious‘.

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