The Beginnings Of Acceptance

Tuesday 2 July, 2002

Felt ashamed about being an emotional person when I read Dev’s account of our phone conversation last Tuesday but then I began to accept that this is how I am. I am emotional and, with time, I will learn how to live with it. This helped me and when I talked to Dev this evening – I phoned to compliment him on the quality of his work – I realised I had contributed to him on Tuesday by allowing him to put into practice the loving challenge he had learnt about the previous night in the London group. 

Enjoyed the work in the garden with Karaj but noticed again that my enthusiasm and motivation waned when the work was tough (trying to move the tunnel panels the final inch).  In the evening I took notes and copied documents for the WfT project without resentment or negative emotion. It is my job to serve and, now I know that, I am beginning to take to it.

Struggled a little with the SHG appraisal today until I realised that I just have to make a start and I will most certainly progress – make the first step.  Talked to Karaj about today’s negative feelings; he feels the same: Dev is doing very well and we are doing very little in comparison. So, once again, the way I feel is normal and the best thing to do is to get on with work.

Talked to Dev about how my emotions disappear when I get into my work.  That is one advantage.  Another plus is that when I finish my work and my emotions return, then I have an achievement which I can hold up against any negativity I may be feeling. All in all, a good day.  So, when am I going to go low – Friday at the latest – know that I will go down.

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