Learn To Push Myself

Friday 5 July, 2002

I had a disagreement with Karaj over a broken microwave plate. He had told me to find a replacement today, but I was all for a workaround and then find a new plate when we have time. Karaj insisted I do something about it now. I began with a complaint to the manufacturer. I started off in a whimpish manner but with Dev’s support (parenting) and advice – what is your goal, focus on it and accept nothing less – and with my natural tendency for argument I got stuck in and enjoyed myself. As it turned out ‘that model never came with a glass plate.’

Karaj told me to pursue it further. Again, I was reluctant. But I carried on and finally gained satisfaction from a local dealer, who delivered the dish to our door this evening. So after establishing what I initially thought to be an unrealistic goal of getting hold of a plate today, I finally achieved what I set out to do, but only with Karaj and Dev pushing me. LEARN TO PUSH MYSELF.

Karaj told me that I need to change my attitude completely. The microwave incident showed where my focus was and where it should have been. I set myself up for failure instead of success. Just like Ishwar, I feel accused and that I am in the wrong all the time. Failure instead of success. I challenged Robert about his call to me yesterday when, in a rather dismissive tone, he told me he’d received my message and that he already knew. The challenge was easy because the debate with Dev about the plate has woken me up to my power.

Karaj asked me to make Robert a cup of tea when he arrived which I was happy to do. Robert had earlier told me to fuck off on the phone, but I want to be able to act in the moment and not carry things with me; the same way Karaj is able to challenge people one minute and joke with them the next because he does not carry issues over. I made the tea and Robert and I chatted using basic pastiming with no mention of the incident. It was a mature exchange although I felt a few butterflies. Relax, I’m growing up. I need to create win-win situations.


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