Every Thought & Feeling

Monday 8 July, 2002

I read through my Sicily work and appraisals at intervals today and found them encouraging, insightful and well written. At one point I was in the process of realising how good I am and what a contribution I have made to the group when Shona called me over because she had a couple of things she wanted to say to me. I immediately felt in trouble and went from knowing I’m good, to feeling I’m wrong. Amazing. When I told Karaj this he simply said, ‘Yeah, that’s what she does to me too, and I get rebellious‘.

Karaj and I set to work trimming the hedge and shifting 75 concrete 3×2’ slabs. Karaj was feeling down and wanted to get off to London so I said I’d shift the remaining 55 by myself. I did so and noticed that whenever my concentration waned I would slip up. Apart from those few occasions, I remained focused throughout. I felt very tired afterwards and my groin was painful. I relaxed for the rest of the evening apart from the washing up from the weekend.

I spoke with George and, throughout our conversation, I verbalised every thought and feeling I had about his anxiety regarding his colleague’s Germany trip. I can tell/feel the difference between my genuine thoughts and feelings, and those I make up.


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