So Easily Sucked In

Wednesday 10 July, 2002

Shona phoned me to say that she would not be planting flowers today as we had agreed to do together. She was very apologetic and this took me back. It was as if she was letting me down, which was not the case. In the end, when she said, ‘I will do it’, I found myself saying, ‘Make sure you do’. I had become the unwitting persecutor of someone who had so obviously placed themselves in the victim position. When I told Karaj this he explained that this is what Shona does.

In the evening session Karaj challenged me about an earlier conversation I’d had with Harriet, telling me that I am coming from a place of neediness and that is not on. Come from a place of plenty instead.

During the session I took a call from Robert who wanted to know how Karaj was. I gave Robert a full answer, driven as I was by my need to please. We went on to discuss two further topics: Robert’s work on his finances and his search to buy a radio. During the latter part of the call I did have the feeling that I should return to the session but did not heed that feeling. Karaj later challenged me on a number of issues:

  • Karaj’s state is no business of mine – how can I know how he feels.
  • I need to refer people straight to Karaj if that’s what they want
  • I divulged too much information (please others) and was not at all discreet
  • I continued with the conversation although I was busy
  • I did not take responsibility for my time – it is up to me to curtail conversations rather than wait.
  • Robert was using Karaj as an excuse to talk – he was not being straight – game!
  • Robert made me forget what I was doing – sucked me in.

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