Continue With The Quietness

Saturday 13 July, 2002

Targets/Agenda Items

  • Continue with the quietness
  • Stay away from Adapted Child (AC) behaviour
  • Be aware of games
  • Challenge to Robert about last night’s comments
  • What is the latest on my job spec?

What I did accomplish and why? (Achievements, Node, Contribution.)

Again, I was quiet, did not draw the attention of the group onto myself in the way I did last weekend, and I was not withdrawn. I felt calm and in control. My challenge to Robert was evidence of that and having made my point I shut up – I did not repeat myself as I am prone to do.

For the first exercise I paired up with Leon, and my quietness allowed me to focus and contribute to him. It was a good exercise and I benefited – see learning points. The conclusion of the exercise for everyone was that we had all chosen people who helped to perpetuate our script. Leon and I are both please others and had a very pleasant conversation with no challenges.

In the second exercise Ishwar and I paired up and quickly got bored. I began rambling, noticed that Ishwar was not listening, but did not have the energy or the motivation to challenge. I suggested we moved about. Ishwar engaged Simran and Leon and I felt that he was disturbing their work so I pulled him away, we sat down again and began to make progress. Talked about how it would not have mattered who we chose for the first exercise because everyone fulfils our scripts in some way. The only thing to do is to get on with life/work.

Karaj – ‘Life is the same over and over again and when you realise this without getting bored, then you will get excited. Live in the moment and treat everything anew, as if it’s the first time. Establishing routines is tough but if you can do it you will be successful.

After a very interesting discussion about the differences in cultural cleanliness Leon raised the issue of Earl leaving the group and his anxieties about his own position within the group. Karaj asked us to spend some time contemplating Leon’s contribution to us. He asked Calvin to go first and I took this opportunity to observe and analyse how he gave his feedback to Leon. I was keen to deliver my own feedback without my usual emotion. My feedback to Calvin about what he had said was along those lines but I managed to give it in a negative way, saying that it ‘wasn’t tainted by emotions’. Be positive.

I talked to Leon about his contributions to me over the years – he is a gentle leader with sharp insight, provides solid and simple support and a has unassuming lightness to his wisdom – and did so in a very straight way which I liked and could see as different and more effective than my usual technique of overloading my words with sentiment and emotion and lessening their effect. In fact this is precisely what Robert did with his and as he talked I could clearly see myself and the effect his words were having on Leon – he yawned and later said that Robert’s words had been flowery. Robert had been trying too hard, just as he tries too hard to be English.

What I did not achieve and why?

I did not challenge Ishwar about his comment in the morning when he said that he had not left his appraisal on my desk last night because he thought it may get lost. The reason for this was my anxiety that my challenge would be turned back on me because this is how I am perceived – disorganised. Cut this out and challenge. I have seen before that when challenges occur, everyone benefits – that includes me.

I was not as successful as I had hoped (expectations!) in staying away from Adapted Child behaviour. In trying to do so I am in AC. It is only by observing and analysing my behaviour that I will progress away from Child ego state (CES). Relax.

Learning points

  • I convince myself that I am not in my script patterns, rather than starting with the assumption that I am.
  • I talk too much – saying things without checking whether they are emotional, AC comments or genuine contributions to the lives of those around me – including myself
  • I am my priority
  • I react emotionally to people instead of remaining calm
  • I can change all of the above by taking responsibility for my thoughts, words and actions
  • My patterns are only unconscious because I am not consciously aware – be aware
  • Description is CES. Only with analysis do observations become useful.
  • Live my life and get on with whatever I have in front of me – be with it fully and don’t concern myself with what I am not doing.
  • Lead a boring life, without being bored.

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