Monthly Feedback – August 2002

Saturday 31 August, 2002

This is Karaj’s feedback to me for each day I worked during August, with his general comments at the end to summarise my work, behaviour and progress.

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Insights & Learning Points

Saturday 31 August, 2002

What follows is a summary of my insights and learning points from the past seven days:

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Be In Charge Of My Life

Saturday 24 August, 2002

This is a summary of notes from the past week. There were good days and there were not so good days. It was all about getting on with the work; using the to-do list as a tool to be effective; acknowledging the emotions, but remaining unaffected by them; taking charge of situations and issues as they arise, and being in charge of my life.

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When planning today’s work on the corridor roof I showed no responsibility. I was too worried about getting it wrong. Emotions. Simran’s involvement caused confusion, which was seen by Ishwar when he arrived but not verbalised forcefully enough by him.

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Not Ready To Give In

Friday 16 August, 2002

I began feeling emotional about the prospect of Karaj being unhappy with the work I have done this week. Started to go low as I contemplated my guilt at not having done enough. The more I thought about it, the worse it got, and verbalising it didn’t really seem to help. Looking back, it only got worse because it was coming out.

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Starting Anew Each Morning

Thursday 15 August, 2002

Yoga was another good workout and I felt freer as a result. Fell asleep afterwards feeling satisfied and positive. Woke up an hour later feeling tired and envious of the teacher’s fitness. I had the feeling that all the hard work is gone and I have to do it all over again. That is the essence of my problem each morning: I have to keep going and motivating myself anew each day because sleep tends to eradicate any well-being I feel beforehand. Prediction of this will allow me to plan for it. It also shows me that I am yet to grasp the long-term, gradual nature of progress. Relax, slow down.

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Just Follow Procedures

Wednesday 14 August, 2002

Exercised well again today, but the relaxed nature of the afternoon showed me my guilt. Somewhere I have the belief that work, achievement and results require effort and that I should feel guilty for taking things easy. And I do feel guilty. On the other hand I want a simple life and the sort of situation I had when I learnt German: to be immersed in something so I learn without realising it. In my work here I have both of these: the hard work which Karaj is always talking about and the relax command. Take it easy, just follow procedures and changes will occur.

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Gradually & With Care

Tuesday 13 August, 2002

Exercised in the morning and evening, with steady work in between. It hasn’t felt like a busy day and this is my learning point: I can achieve a lot by pacing myself. It doesn’t have to feel like a slog.

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My Fate Is In My Hands

Monday 12 August, 2002

I overslept after a dream in which I shouted at my father for being negative and also wanted to have a go in a cousin’s wheelchair. I woke up remembering a thought from my childhood that if I were in a wheelchair then my life would be easier. This scares me now as I see what I am doing to myself (script). I talked to Karaj. Everything is going okay but I need to wake up and concentrate. He told me with respect to the dream that I have to confront my negativity from Parent ego state, and that this is my last chance. He added that I can do it. Whatever my emotions, my fate is in my hands.

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A 50-Hour Weekend

Sunday 11 August, 2002

Friday

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Things Are Definitely Moving

Thursday 8 August, 2002

Yesterday’s disciplined attempt to eat less was foiled twice, by Karaj and then Hariett bringing food for me. I gave in, falling back on my please others driver to justify eating what they had brought. How much different and stronger I would have felt had I stuck to my discipline.

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Don’t Accept It & It Will Not Stay

Monday 5 August, 2002

I talked to Karaj about how things have moved forward since I arrived 2½ years ago. People are now writing appraisals, attending every weekend and working hard to sort themselves out. He talked about the different layers of spiritual growth. The first is about benefits, good, bad. With the second, clients are gods. The third: the first two no longer apply. Karaj is at level 4 & 5 which cannot be communicated.

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A Typical Weekend

Sunday 4 August, 2002

Friday

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