My Fate Is In My Hands

Monday 12 August, 2002

I overslept after a dream in which I shouted at my father for being negative and also wanted to have a go in a cousin’s wheelchair. I woke up remembering a thought from my childhood that if I were in a wheelchair then my life would be easier. This scares me now as I see what I am doing to myself (script). I talked to Karaj. Everything is going okay but I need to wake up and concentrate. He told me with respect to the dream that I have to confront my negativity from Parent ego state, and that this is my last chance. He added that I can do it. Whatever my emotions, my fate is in my hands.

I rested for three hours this afternoon and felt guilty about it when there is so much to do – emotional. I needed to rest and told myself it’s okay. I also feeling low about all that I am not doing regarding my development, especially my awareness of what is going on around me and where others are. In the evening I spoke to Dev. The awareness of those around me comes through focus and relaxation, knowing that I am right in my assessments and trusting my feelings. Eventually I will begin to ‘feel’ people.

I debated whether to go to yoga: want to go/don’t want to go; too much work to do; too tired, etc. Saw that this is what I have always done – found excuses not to do things (for fear of being wrong, embarrassed, or a failure). I persuade myself not to do something I actually want to do. I decided to go and I’m glad I did. It was a physical class, good pace, clear instructions and good consideration of my back issue. Physio this morning and yoga this afternoon have been beneficial for me both physically and mentally.

 


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