Be In Charge Of My Life

Saturday 24 August, 2002

This is a summary of notes from the past week. There were good days and there were not so good days. It was all about getting on with the work; using the to-do list as a tool to be effective; acknowledging the emotions, but remaining unaffected by them; taking charge of situations and issues as they arise, and being in charge of my life.

Sunday

Talked to Karaj this morning. It is the core of who I am that we need to get at. Also, once I make the shift from my conditioning which tells me that I am right and Karaj is wrong (when he gives me a bollocking), to a more conscious: ‘Yes, this man can see my conditioning and I cannot, and it’s helping me and it’s okay‘, then I’ll progress.

As Karaj said, ‘You need to be who you are.‘ It is about staying with the relationship (e.g. here with Karaj) and eventually coming out the other side and seeing the purity and goodness of the relationship. But don’t take relationships for granted.

During the garden work I saw again how Simran hovers on the edge, causing maximum confusion, and in the evening’s supervision I saw that I need to take charge, move away from emotions, report effectively to Karaj, bring work issues to the group.

Monday

Karaj told me that my view of this afternoon’s session as less than productive irritates him because it makes him think he should have done more. Again, I am being emotional instead of looking at the achievements. I had initially intended to be in charge but lost it when things began to go wrong for me, which they did because I did not follow procedures. This evening, I was more in charge and the work went well.

Tuesday

Still not on the ball enough to focus on my work/life in between all the tasks I am doing. What do I want, what is my vision?

Wednesday

Karaj talked about progress. It will get worse. It will become a living hell for me and until I accept and see this fact, I am living a fantasy. I think things will get better as I progress, but here is a man who knows, and who is telling me it will get worse. He asked me for my agenda items for tonight. Once again I am unprepared. I don’t know what to raise.

I felt anxious about the session because I will be exposed again. Tried to relax but felt withdrawn. Do the job (there is nothing else), and use the to-do list to keep busy. I see how my emotions make me think (feel) that they are the right way to go. I achieved a solid start to the day yet I am beginning to feel I have achieved little. Look at the evidence, not the emotions. It is now 01.30 and I am just about back in charge.

Thursday

Got up easily after only 4½ hours sleep and kept going all day. Felt the emotions but didn’t let them get to me. Achieved this by acknowledging their existence and their effect. At yoga during the final relaxation I felt peaceful and drifted in and out of slumber. Every time I came back to reality I felt disappointment and pain, and realised that life is a constant struggle. It’s about having to get up all the time. I saw that this is what I have to do all the time: just keep going.

I get anxious about challenges and feel scolded when challenged; a feeling which is worsened when challenged in front of others. The thing is, I have put myself in this situation to learn. I feel I don’t want to hear what Karaj tells me but that is what I have come here for: to learn about myself. This environment is about me learning about myself.

Friday

Started 07.30, finished 02.30 and didn’t stop all day. I knew what needed to be done and got on with it. I was alive and functioned well, thanks to the to-do list. My confidence grew with each achievement and I remained straight and focused. The day was all about the New Home Ceremony in Priya’s new house. Everyone read a prayer. It was satisfying work, a lovely way to welcome someone into their new home and more evidence of the support we can provide for each other. The power of the group. Karaj said we are all doing very well and stressed the dangers of getting cocky.

Saturday

Was not with it this morning; broke the small computer and failed to take any sort of charge. Hurried about. This drains my energy and that of those around me, and it causes me to only do half a job and not take care in what I do. Rushed into the work and did not step back and review the task. We needed a kick up the arse from Karaj to get going and even then I (we) failed to consult Karaj which would have reduced our workload.

I have become even more arrogant, thinking that I don’t need to consult Karaj or that if I do I will be challenged for being AC. Felt challenged but did not spiral down. I am sorting through things and the more I share with those around me the better off I will be.

Related posts: Take Charge | Be In Charge

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