Karaj’s feedback to me this month consisted of just two days near the end of the month and his general comments.

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It’s getting harder each day to get up. I’m very tired and every flat surface looks like a bed in this state, but I know I cannot really rest. Karaj: ‘Good. Another 10 or 11 months of this and then you’ll be okay.’

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Discussed with Dev his overall picture of his week ahead. He went off on his own twice; once at the beginning of the exercise and once when typing up the flipchart. I contributed to him with my feedback and my observations that he does not include his team. I also gained from the experience because I do the same. Another learning point for me is that people don’t need the detail. It is distracting and confusing. They need the overall picture. They will ask if they need more information.

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A learning point from Karaj’s feedback: I do not finish jobs off; I do not see things through. As a result, things mount up and I eventually get emotional. So, finish tasks, because this does give me satisfaction and it means that I am in a better position to deal with emergencies when they come. And they will come.

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Having realised two days ago that my to-do list is not going to get any shorter, Karaj summed it up today by saying that if I were to complete my list, ‘What would you do then?’ A large to-do list means I have many reasons to live and it also means I am alive. My only issue is not to personalise my work; just get on with it. Keep busy.

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Karaj said yesterday that we need to take care in our tiredness. The better I become, the more people will want to be with me, talk with me and take from me.

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I overslept and Karaj woke me. I had no idea what day it was and felt resentment and negativity at being so tired. Spent the next 30 minutes doing the washing up. As I worked, my negativity began to disappear. This is new. Rather than accompany me for much of my day it simply lifted as I woke up and got on with my day.

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It’s the day of the BACP hearing. Dev will accompany Karaj, and Simran will stay at the house with me. In our early morning supervision I verbalised my anxiety and felt better about it. Others verbalised theirs too. In accompanying Karaj today Dev can deal with his issue with his father. We read prayers (the second half of Sukhmani Sahib plus Psalm 139 v7-10 & 23-24). Again, my anxiety eased and I felt peace and unity.

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Karaj gave me feedback from Dev, who had said that he really appreciates what I am doing for him. He could not have managed what he has done this week without that support. Karaj told me Dev had been emotional about it, and I felt tearful hearing the feedback. As Karaj said, it shows that something is working. That is my achievement, my presence and my influence on my environment. Later in the day, Shona gave me feedback after reading some of my journals. She told me they are really helping her to write her own diary and that she can identify with some of my issues. Some parts made her cry.

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For the first half hour of this morning’s work with Karaj I was wholly ineffective, not able to assimilate any information or get a clear head, and became more and more anxious. The more anxious I get the more I try to please people to cover it up, which is impossible especially with Karaj, and that makes my anxiety worse. Finally, I verbalised it after hearing him say to Harriet that I am of no use to him and keep forgetting things on my to-do list. Once verbalised I calmed down a little and was able to get involved in the work.

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Karaj and I chatted in the garden, warmed gently by the early morning sunshine. ‘If you survive the next year, you’ll be flying.’ He told me my to-do list is the reference for what happens in the office. I felt the pressure on me when Karaj said this and I verbalised it. The point is, I need only to get on with my work and see that it will have an effect on my environment, just like my appraisals have.

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Karaj and I chatted about me creating my own space away from him over the next 4-5 years. This means I am fully in charge and can create my own destiny. Right now I am where I was at the bank, setting myself up to leave. Through intense challenges I will become my own man. Worse challenges will come from the group as they harangue me. Don’t personalise the challenges, take them as opportunities.

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Karaj told me I am fucking around and not using the group to make my life easier. I get the group going and then stop us all from reaching the next level. Use the to-do list and make use of its power. Check it all the time. Use if fully for a year and I will change.

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Karaj and I talked this morning about maintaining the overall picture in everything we do. It creates stability. He added that everyone is feeling tired and it will be like this for the next 15 months. Karaj also spoke about Robert’s contribution to the group. Robert pushed us, bringing us together, and all that has happened over the last year and particularly recently has brought everyone’s negativity to the surface so that we can work on it. Such a contribution cannot be underestimated.

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