Challenged All Day

Saturday 14 September, 2002

Karaj told me I am fucking around and not using the group to make my life easier. I get the group going and then stop us all from reaching the next level. Use the to-do list and make use of its power. Check it all the time. Use if fully for a year and I will change.

My script: I control people by not allowing them to progress. I do it through negativity and self deprecation such that they want to rescue me or persecute me. The fact is they don’t actually want to do either, so are paralysed and cannot move forward. They get aggressive, I can then blame them and my script is fulfilled when I walk out of my job (and end up like my dad).

Felt anxious because I knew I would be challenged further this evening. Ishwar asked me, ‘You’re not going to leg it are you?’ Whenever I’m challenged, for a second or two I do think of leaving, but that is my emotional reaction. Cognitively I know I am in the right place. Ishwar told me that someone else who worked closely with Karaj in the past left because he simply could not take the pressure of having Karaj on at him all the time. I could relate to that but I also thought that I have not reached that point yet where Karaj is on my back all the time.

We went through Ishwar’s script process where he makes himself wrong and ends up making others wrong. There is a mistrust of self and others. This is just what I do and I saw the energy I waste in the process of flipping from I’m Not Okay, You’re Okay  to the life position of I’m Okay, You’re Not Okay. I need to find my way to I’m Okay, You’re Okay.

It was midnight when we reached the final feedback round. I have been challenged all day and I was initially nervous about giving feedback for fear of being challenged again. However, I relaxed, calmed down and it went well. Karaj told me that I am doing very well and that it is only the people who do well who are challenged.

As people departed, the look which Dev gave me told me everything about his support. He wants me to win, and he is with me in all of this. In fact I shook his hand and I shook Simran’s hand. I wanted to tell them both that they are examples of what happens when we keep going. I couldn’t speak because the love I felt from Dev had touched me deeply. Once everyone had gone I talked to Karaj about it. He said, ‘That is what you are blocking: my love, Dev’s love and everyone else’s, and it makes it very hard work for me because your script has to be fought and I am fighting the generational script of your father, grandfather and forefathers too’.


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