What I Have Created

Wednesday 18 September, 2002

Karaj gave me feedback from Dev, who had said that he really appreciates what I am doing for him. He could not have managed what he has done this week without that support. Karaj told me Dev had been emotional about it, and I felt tearful hearing the feedback. As Karaj said, it shows that something is working. That is my achievement, my presence and my influence on my environment. Later in the day, Shona gave me feedback after reading some of my journals. She told me they are really helping her to write her own diary and that she can identify with some of my issues. Some parts made her cry.

I feel much more in control than yesterday. A number of factors have contributed to that: last night’s work, getting up on time, exercising, having the to-do list, knowing what I am doing. With Karaj resting I see just how much of the work we have on today depends on his presence.

Dev called this evening and asked for my help this Saturday in tackling his issue with (attraction to) Priya. I told him, without hesitation, that he has my support. This is what I have created here: an environment in which we are all growing together and learning to trust and support each other. I am reminded of the time when Ishwar, Simran and Calvin came round when I needed their support with my pain. They all came without asking any questions.

The Wednesday Group met for three hours this evening. Prior to the session I felt a little anxious. I did not want to raise my agenda item (my job appraisal) because I don’t know what I am doing with it and do not want to be challenged. How long is this attitude going to continue?! In the end I was challenged about it anyway. Either way I am challenged so I might as well get on with it. Karaj told me later that, as with Ishwar, I don’t need to do anything; just raise the issue and it will be dealt with.

My learning points from this evening have been:

  • Again, I saw that it’s me who creates the problems for which people bash me up. I then blame them (and the world) and leave, fulfilling my script in the process.
  • Anxiety is a flag, telling me to verbalise but, at the same time, it stops me from verbalising. The choice is mine: do I want to sort myself out or stay fucked up?
  • My Hurry Up driver causes more problems than it solves.
  • I look to complicate things when the answer is simple. Even when I have the (simple) answer, I still look for fireworks.
  • How does each task on my to-do list contribute to my vision?
  • I need to know my body before I can be sure of the effects others have on me, and I have on myself.

I worked again until 02:00 on my to-do list. After last night’s session I was motivated to do a couple of hours work to keep on top of things. In addition, this will help me to start tomorrow with a ready-made sense of achievement.

Summary: started with my to-do list printout which immediately meant I was in charge. I was, to an extent, able to keep on top of things; there is still a lot to be done even with the to-do list to hand, but without it there is no chance. Went into Adapted Child mode in the supervision but even then there was still a flicker of calmness and maturity which I can hang on to and nurture. The connection I made with everyone as they left told me that I have achieved something.


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