Potential, Power & True Self

Sunday 22 September, 2002

I overslept and Karaj woke me. I had no idea what day it was and felt resentment and negativity at being so tired. Spent the next 30 minutes doing the washing up. As I worked, my negativity began to disappear. This is new. Rather than accompany me for much of my day it simply lifted as I woke up and got on with my day.

Karaj and I talked. I am doing well. I have always been straight & consistent in my search for the truth and wanting to sort myself out. I go through hell here and Karaj challenges me in front of others so that they see the hell I go through here and don’t entertain ideas of taking my job. No-one else but me can do my job. People are starting to see what I do and respect me for it. I need to respect myself. Karaj is loyal. Beneath the surface-level fool, I am very serious and we want people to see that I am a serious person. I am seeing my issues clearer now and getting glimpses of my potential, power and true self.

Seven of us (Karaj, Harriet, Priya, Dev, Simran, Ishwar and me) sat together until lunchtime. We talked about being in the word and, at the same time, sorting yourself out. Everyone is tired, but Karaj told us this is nothing compared to how tired we are going to get during 2003 (466 days to go). In the context of our loner scripts. asking ‘how’ is saying ‘tell me and I can do it on my own’. My thought was that we are a group of people, meeting regularly, in order to learn how to win. I challenged Ishwar that he had not done what I had asked him. I was firm with him and realised that others don’t take things personally like I do. That makes it easier for me to take charge, give instructions and challenge people.

I joined Dev and Simran on the letter to Robert’s wife following the hearing on Friday. They were blocked but didn’t call anyone. Ishwar and I joined them without invitation. I had to remind them that we need only focus on our side and what we want rather than on her, or the BACP, or their decision. Ishwar made the same comment and I encouraged him to pursue it. I suggested they use the flip chart and, eventually, the process brought clarity to both Simran and Dev. I did that.

In the afternoon’s supervision Simran went through the process with the letter. As I listened I predicted that I would not be credited for my input. I was right, Simran never even mentioned me or Ishwar. I waited and when the opportunity came I raised the issue. Our collective learning point was that each time we had tried to write the letter we got nowhere. The correct procedure would have been to take a break, but we didn’t and had to be reminded by Karaj.

My feedback on the weekend was short: that through all that has happened in the last few days we have kept busy and kept together. It was mature feedback – no Adapted Child behaviour – and calmly delivered. I felt no need for fireworks because I have achieved so much through my recent hard work that there is not need to impress anyone.

I slept for two hours while the others went to the temple. I was very tired. When they returned there was quietness and calm. I felt slight anxiety and guilt that I was asleep when they returned but, again, because I am working hard, there is no need to feel guilty, and within a couple of minutes it was gone. Remember: sleep when tired.

I talked to Karaj about where I am. After all the challenges about my AC behaviour and my despair about not knowing what to do or how to change, I can feel the difference in me now. I am working hard for the first time in my life and I am growing as a result. I am calm, engaging freely with men and women alike, making less noise, contributing and receiving the support and respect of the group. I am serving them and it is both a pleasure and a privilege to do so; and it is being appreciated by everyone.

Karaj says that I am benefitting from knowing nothing about therapy, but that my scientific knowledge combined with the experience I have, am having and will have, will be very powerful. My only problem is that I will get cocky. So, don’t get cocky, Jonathan, okay? It is a relief for me to be in the space I am right now and a relief also for Karaj who has expended energy and effort in his support of me.

For the rest of the evening, until 01:30, I looked through my appraisals and written work, and updated my to-do list. I have written so much during my time here. I reflected on my achievements. They are all around me. As I write, I feel the tingle of what I have achieved; from the first days here when I wondered why people were not taking their opportunities, to now, where we are all achieving so much.

Summary: another day like the last three or four days: calm, assured behaviour, contribution, appreciation of others, maturity and increased confidence with humility. Keep up the good work. Keep working.


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