Stop Personalising

Sunday 29 September, 2002

It’s getting harder each day to get up. I’m very tired and every flat surface looks like a bed in this state, but I know I cannot really rest. Karaj: ‘Good. Another 10 or 11 months of this and then you’ll be okay.

Dev challenged me for leaving the pipe on the compressor. In his challenge I saw that, when I confront, it is better to be confrontational rather than nice. When asked for a punishment, should I make the mistake again, I was at a loss. Emotionally, I suggested even less sleep but Karaj showed me that a walk to Solihull (2 hours) would not only be a punishment but also a benefit to me. Win-win.

I worked to make sure that everything was ready for the board meeting. I had the list in my hand and delegated fairly well. I’m getting better at it. Nine of us were present, the meeting went well and I took the minutes. Afterwards we had a short seminar on 3rd degree games. My notes from it read: be still, be quiet and don’t forget the pain of where you have come from.

We worked for the rest of the day until beyond midnight on a variety of tasks, starting with an overall picture of what we wanted to achieve (actual work and teamwork). Karaj and Priya worked together and the rest of us (Simran, Dev, Ishwar and me) formed another team. We began slowly knowing we would pick up speed (as with BACP work). I was in charge for much of the process and was clear in my instructions and communication. Kept the detail to a minimum. In the supervision afterwards, I reported that we had worked well together but Karaj said we did not push ourselves anywhere near as hard as we could have done.

Summary: worked hard all day, prepared for the meeting, remained focused with the minutes and did not rest at all. Took charge during the evening’s work and I am beginning to see what Karaj has seen all along: just how capable I am. Feeling very tired and still taking things personally. None more so than at the end of the night when, having realised I’d lost Ishwar’s memo, Karaj told me that I need to take all of this and that I am only half there. After my day today I thought this was very unfair; and that is my problem. Personalisation. Cut it out.


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