Monthly Feedback – October 2002

Thursday 31 October, 2002

Karaj’s feedback to me for October:

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Not Supportive Enough. Not Good Enough.

Wednesday 30 October, 2002

Harriet and George arrived and the four of us sat together. The message of the session was, ‘stay out of things, be quiet and then you will see’. I was challenged again for not being straight with my answers (the expenditure of the loan is not complete and I tried to squirm my way out of it). I also tried to blag my way through an explanation of what I haven’t done instead of being straight. And finally, Harriet had worked on planning my office and, as Karaj said, I need ‘mummy’ to help me out because I am not capable of sorting my office (life) out. Where is my commitment to myself? Today just gets worse, and there is still tonight’s WSG to go.

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Providing Support

Tuesday 29 October, 2002

Early this morning, Karaj said we need to get out of the negativity we are in. It is making us tired. I certainly felt that last night, so for the entire morning I worked from my to-do list until it was time to meet Calvin. Together we discussed today’s social services meeting about his son’s care. We also talked about the yearly appraisal. Calvin was anxious about the meeting but accepting of his anxiety rather than letting it control him. There were five of us in the meeting. The two staff members seemed to me to be a Please Others and a Rescuer.

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See The Commonalities

Sunday 27 October, 2002

When they arrived this morning, Dev seemed a little lost, whereas Simran gave the impression of being content. We began with a supervision session and Dev was challenged to take control of his life, as I had done when I came out of hospital in spite of Karaj not wanting me back. We also talked of mind lists – having things in my mind so that I do not have to look at my to do list all the time. I am getting better at that but Karaj’s advice is to get into the habit of looking at the to-do list all the time. For example, I did not go through it yesterday or refer to it regularly and so forgot to return Calvin’s appraisal, even though I actually referred to it twice in conversations with Calvin.

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Bring Different Issues Together

Saturday 26 October, 2002

I welcomed Dev this morning. He was nervous, and feeling like an outsider (after his week’s reflection). I am not in the mood to tolerate any fucking around and am beginning to see that Dev is not so effective when challenged. He goes low quickly, takes things personally (just like me) and settles into a comfortable state of being bashed up. He becomes an easy target.

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Getting In First

Wednesday 23 October, 2002

Yesterday evening I had a brief call with Calvin’s wife. She sounded busy, tired and weighed down. The complaint procedure is slow. Her son is settling into school okay but she is still not happy about the school. Today Calvin informed me that she has requested I attend the complaints meeting with her and Calvin.

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It’s Up To Me

Monday 21 October, 2002

I read an article on complexity and self-organising systems from Simran’s European Journal of Oriental Medicine; vol.2 No.2 1996: Ants & Acorns by Francesca Diebschlag. It was very interesting, stating that the ultimate stability for living systems is death. A good reminder. Flexibility and adaptability exist on the edge of chaos. Disease can be caused by too much order. Stress – existing permanently in emergency mode – is too much order. I need to relax back towards chaos; look for a mix of positive & negative feedback. [Another good source of these ideas is the book, At Home In The Universe, Kauffman (1995).]

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A Confrontation Continued

Sunday 20 October, 2002

I called Dev to confront him after yesterday’s call. He was low and scared (of being thrown out of the group). Confronted him on his addiction to pain/pleasure cycles and how he was prepared to dump his fax on us rather than relate to us. How work on the reflection had seemed like nothing more than revision for some sort of exam he hoped to pass, rather than see that by relating to us he would be all right. Challenged him on how he contributes to me when he relates, and then he disappears. Got into offering solutions and so passed the phone on.

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Something In My Head

Saturday 19 October, 2002

I contacted Dev at lunchtime to ask him what games is he playing not contacting people – this shows his immaturity. He started off energised and clear as he talked me through the work he has done on his reflection. The more he talked, the more irrelevant it became. In the end I began to challenge him and he soon went low. He said he had thought about phoning us but hadn’t, isolating himself instead with his work. Then he said he would fax over to us the work he has done. Only later did I realise that this was the remark, which had started my annoyance; as if he was going to dump his issues on us rather than relate to us and try and sort things out for himself.

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Make Use Of Others

Thursday 17 October, 2002

Imogen arrived for her session with Karaj, but first the three of us went for breakfast together. Imogen talked about raising issues. Karaj explained that we need to raise them with others who can then work through them with us. Eventually we will be able to deal with them ourselves, but we need to use others first. Verbalise and raise issues in the group.

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Remembering What I Want

Wednesday 16 October, 2002

Karaj challenged me about why a particular item was not on the to-do list. I felt like a scolded child and talked later of how I am hanging on, with the intention of getting through the tough period ahead. Karaj talked to me about my personalisation of his comments to me; it indicates that I have no commitment to myself or to others. I let people off the hook because I let myself off the hook. That means they know they can get away with things. He added later that personalisation means I have no control over my Child (ego state) and it is like I am allowing my child to run into the road with no parental control. Karaj, in his challenges, is speaking (trying to relate) to my Parent (ego state) and if the Child is running around feeling abused by words it cannot properly comprehend then I am losing out. I need to exercise Parental control. I am being challenged because I am good.

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Have Systems In Place

Tuesday 15 October, 2002

Karaj was on at me this morning to sort out my procedures and have systems in place to cope with the workload. Starting to see that I have things the wrong way round. I have been looking to get on top of my work and perhaps then establish systems whereas I need to have the systems now, otherwise I really am just firefighting and the backlog will never be cleared. He repeated that am fucking around, not facing up to my responsibilities; not using the to-do list and living in a fantasy world where things have to be perfect rather than just getting the job done.

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Let It Go

Monday 14 October, 2002

A day of admin. I took it all step by step, completing each task before moving onto the next. Progress, therefore, seemed slow to me but left me feeling freer. As Karaj said, once a job is done, it’s done forever. Continued working thoroughly and systematically, feeling satisfaction and freedom from the burden of unfinished business.

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I Am In A Unique Position

Sunday 13 October, 2002

Felt shit during my exercises this morning. The thought of another day like the last week or two does nothing to inspire or motivate me. Just keep busy. Procedures. Ishwar has organised for a financial adviser to come and speak to us today. To prepare, we were asked to fill in a basic form. It was very easy for me because I have no house, no income, no savings, no family, no money. [In my tantrum, I am creating a drama.]

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