Work On The Here & Now

Tuesday 1 October, 2002

Woke up feeling extremely tired and in no mood to be shouted at (by Karaj). Began setting up the statement documents for all core group clients for October. I was keen to set up the September sheets in readiness because we still have all of September to do, but Karaj pointed out that this is precisely what I do: rather than work on the here and now I am busy trying to finish the past. (This is why my September feedback only has two entries.)

I phoned Dev to let him know there is no group tonight. He was disappointed; he wants to see Priya. I felt the wrongness of this but did not pursue him. He needs to sort this out but I need to challenge him. (I did it three days later.) He also thinks it’s easy here. Well it isn’t, and I need to see that too because then I will see how well I am doing.

Got to bed before midnight, but couldn’t sleep, so I read my appraisals: the second half of 2001. I saw how emotional I am, exaggerating the good and the bad equally. Also saw how much further we have come in the last 15 months and my influence on that. I made it happen.

Summary: Very, very tired but still kept going. Haven’t felt awake for two days now. Closed down all but my ’emergency’ systems in order to conserve energy and saw that I felt more balanced.  Didn’t take Karaj’s comments so personally because I was not so high to begin with. Maybe this is the state I am looking for because I still managed to have a laugh with Karaj, and relate and communicate despite being tired.


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