Conviction, Control & Confrontation

Friday 4 October, 2002

I woke up questioning my own commitment and support in not meeting up with Simran last night. In doing this I am looking to make myself wrong. So, make myself right. Karaj is away on a course today and told me if I need to reach him then I should leave a message with the course organisers in a way which creates relationships.

Had lunch with Imogen and Simran. I was relaxed, comfortable and contented. DON’T GET COCKY. Looked after Imogen naturally. I was not intrusive but still made her feel at home and made sure she was not isolated.

In the evening, Simran and I worked on the September statements. We stopped halfway to welcome Calvin. Simran and I agreed that he is not to distract us from our goal of finishing our work. As we were finishing, Dev arrived and we all spent and hour working on Calvin’s agenda item which was to discuss what happened to him last week when he wasted our time.

I initiated the process and then Dev came in, with Simran contributing at the same time as he was in the other room making ginger biscuits (most of which he did on his own. This is his issue: he does not involve people and therefore isolates himself and others.) I made the point that we also have other work to do and challenged Calvin not to do the same as he did a week ago. He didn’t, but the learning points are nothing new: verbalise and know that when he’s okay then his kids will be okay.

After Calvin, I confronted Dev about his issue with women and with Priya. I got my point across but was still not satisfied, so I pursued it. I ended by saying that I do not want him messed up by a woman and if it happens I’ll kill him. Both of us felt my commitment and support and for me nothing else needed to be said. I’d been straight and supportive. We moved on to other work: the yearly appraisal for 2002. Again I led from the front . Eventually Dev took over and together the four of us made a good start on the overall picture and details for the appraisal.

When tidying up at the end of the evening, I asked for help and received it. My thoughts turned to Ishwar. I’ve heard nothing from him since my call two days ago. He is isolating himself, not contacting the men. I have come full circle because, again, I am beginning to ask myself, why are these people not making the most of the opportunities here?

Summary: I was in control for most of the day. This is still a novelty for me and I like the way I am. I am waking up; my true self is waking up. I’m growing up. Did good work with Simran and challenged and confronted Calvin and Dev in my own way, as well as being a natural host to Imogen. I have conviction now because I am working hard and I don’t want to waste my time. My stomach pain has been worse today – still hasn’t settled since last weekend when I ate too many biscuits – and it occurred to me that I am doing well and my script doesn’t want me to. So, go steady and be careful with myself.


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