Commitment To The Process

Saturday 5 October, 2002

During my exercises I felt very tired, lacking energy, my stomach still delicate. And as I prepared for the day I noticed I was not really with it; not awake, not alert, not focused. Dev arrived and we started on the agenda and the overall picture of the day. I was still not clear. There are lots of loose ends to tie up.

My situation did not improve so, around lunchtime, I rested for two hours. I feel tired and run down. The stomach pain is taking its toll.

Karaj returned from his course and was in manic mood. I became slightly anxious on his return, already preparing myself for personalising everything, especially as today has not gone according to my expectations. (Expectations!) I need to sort this out. I am doing well and I am good. There is no need to personalise anything.

In the first of two evening sessions, we talked mainly about Ishwar’s lack of commitment: does he want to walk away from this or is he prepared to put in 2-3 years hard work to sort out his life? This continued at 23:00 in the second session as the six of us discussed the issue of people committing to a few years hard work in order to sort our lives out. With this in mind, there are four questions to consider regularly:

  1. Where am I?
  2. Where am I going?
  3. What have I achieved?
  4. Where do I want to go?

Summary: worked on and off today and had rest in between. Low energy and sickness has not stopped me from engaging. Took time to get going and lacked the certainty in my ability for the first half of the day and especially when Karaj returned – what am I anxious about? – but still remained steady.


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