And It’s Going To Get Worse

Wednesday 9 October, 2002

Overslept again. Karaj woke me up at 07:30 but I fell asleep again. Every spare minute I have I want to lie down. No energy to exercise. Sort this out. Starting tomorrow. I told Karaj how tired I feel and he said, ‘Good, and it’s going to get a lot worse over the next year’.

During the morning’s admin work with Karaj, I was brought down to earth by his statement for me for yesterday: my thinking is unclear and woolly, people don’t listen to me because I have no belief. My desk is a mess which says that I do not want to sort things out. If I did then I would not stand for any untidiness.

At lunchtime I slept for three hours. I needed it. Still tired when I woke up but that was half a night’s sleep so I was very thankful.

Spoke to Ishwar on the phone. He talked about needing proper systems for an organisation to function and that he was surprised by Karaj’s challenges in front of his wife on Sunday, but it was okay. I did not challenge or probe him about his surprise – need to wake up. As Karaj said, ‘You are not challenging each other.’ As for the need for admin systems, this is what Karaj is telling me about myself: I am not systematic nor procedural enough to be effective.

Later, in the group, I didn’t put myself first, allowing Simran to begin. It doesn’t matter that these people are paying or that I think they have a more legitimate (working) agenda. Am I important or not? That’s all there is. In the session I was shown how George’s personalisation causes his anxiety, like me; and Ishwar starts from being wrong or guilty, like me. My learning point from the session was that I need feelings for protection and warning. If I am fucking around with my feelings then I will not be able to read them correctly and so will not be able to act correctly when I need to.

Summary: started off feeling very tired, went down with Karaj’s feedback. The more balanced state is where I am less likely to get cocky. Felt like I really need a break to get myself together. Continued to work despite my emotions and finished the day feeling better.


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