Tantrum Time

Friday 11 October, 2002

Challenge from Karaj. He told me I had forgotten the bags from the car and then added, as he always does, ‘You need to wake up‘. I cut him short. I’ve had enough of the way he points out my mistakes and then rubs my face in it. The reason I am having stomach problems is because I have always swallowed my emotions and reactions, because whenever I react he gets worse or he tells me I am being cocky. I am to take control of my life and that includes standing up for myself and the first steps in that are letting out all the shit I have kept inside of me for the last 2½ years and the especially the last 6 months.

Men’s group: a subdued affair which revolved around anxiety. I sat with a combination of anxiety, quietness and stubbornness. Not wanting to leave myself open for confrontation but not wanting to disappear completely either. I was touched by George’s recollection of his visit to see his sister-in-law in hospital.

Summary: personalised things again. Lost my temper with Karaj twice; emotional outbursts. Ended up sulking in the men’s group; remained mostly silent because everything I do or say is wrong. Karaj told me I will always be wrong here and that I am heading for the sack, although I will probably walk out myself by the end of the weekend. Went to bed feeling shit.


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