I Am In A Unique Position

Sunday 13 October, 2002

Felt shit during my exercises this morning. The thought of another day like the last week or two does nothing to inspire or motivate me. Just keep busy. Procedures. Ishwar has organised for a financial adviser to come and speak to us today. To prepare, we were asked to fill in a basic form. It was very easy for me because I have no house, no income, no savings, no family, no money. [In my tantrum, I am creating a drama.]

During breakfast with Karaj, I wanted to talk about where I am but could not bring myself to do it. Had I done so I would have been looking to be rescued. The evening brought a much more appropriate opportunity to share with others where I am. We talked about how George cut Harriet short yesterday. Karaj had not picked it up but the learning point for me was that I had not challenged him there and then. This is how I create baggage for myself. By not sorting things out instantly or by not completing tasks, I am forcing myself to carry them around with me. The burden gets steadily heavier, weighing me down and I become frustrated, resentful and ill.

At lunch, I isolated myself. I was being busy rather than pastime with the others because I wanted to take my mind off my thoughts of running away. Eventually, I talked to Ishwar, Dev and Calvin about where I am, prompted by Ishwar. We are all in the same space. All I can do is hang on.

We spent the whole of the afternoon and early evening working on the plumbing in the house, connecting the pipes from the attic to the ground floor. The pipes are now halfway down, with hot water connected to the first floor bathroom. The activity took me away from my thoughts and emotions and I became gradually more focused. I recalled what Ishwar had said to me at lunch. I had said that, with all the challenges he is giving me in his irritation, ‘Karaj is such a nice man when he’s happy’. Ishwar replied, ‘So are you’. He has made big contributions to me this weekend.

All this was followed by a 2-hour supervision session. Karaj told Dev to make a decision (about trust or mistrust) and stick to it. Priya verbalised that she has questioned her commitment of late and has been sad at saying goodbye to her old self. I talked about my difficulties and fantasies about leaving. Karaj is on our side and has no interest in hurting us in any way. I am in a unique position and I have put myself here to learn and grow. It is something which others are not capable of doing and through deep confrontation I will succeed in my search for the truth.

George was challenged for cutting his wife short in the Wednesday group, and the general point followed that men no longer challenge each other the way they did (in Sicily).

Summary: started the day feeling low and fantasising about leaving all this behind. This worked for a while but could not ease my mood. Kept busy in order not to have too much time to reflect. Ishwar prompted me to talk and within minutes I was listening to him contribute to my life.


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