Remembering What I Want

Wednesday 16 October, 2002

Karaj challenged me about why a particular item was not on the to-do list. I felt like a scolded child and talked later of how I am hanging on, with the intention of getting through the tough period ahead. Karaj talked to me about my personalisation of his comments to me; it indicates that I have no commitment to myself or to others. I let people off the hook because I let myself off the hook. That means they know they can get away with things. He added later that personalisation means I have no control over my Child (ego state) and it is like I am allowing my child to run into the road with no parental control. Karaj, in his challenges, is speaking (trying to relate) to my Parent (ego state) and if the Child is running around feeling abused by words it cannot properly comprehend then I am losing out. I need to exercise Parental control. I am being challenged because I am good.

I spoke to Dev on the phone. The issue was about whether he wants to sort himself out and achieve his vision, or revert to a life of pleasure and pain. Things are the same with me and the conversation we had was empowering for me because I was basically talking to myself. In fact, I might as well have been talking to myself because I don’t think Dev was truly with me. As with Cambridge, I am ready to move on and where is he?  At one point in the challenge I felt a familiar feeling but could not quite identify it. Then I realised that it was a feeling I used to have with Robert – that he was not taking the challenge in the supportive way it was offered. I recall the time Robert told me to ‘fuck off’. That’s how it felt with Dev.

Summary: today was better. Used the to-do list to keep busy. Felt anxious at times in the morning with so much to do but relaxed and just got on with my work. Much less flustered because of the to-do list. I was challenged in tonights’s WSG (Wednesday Supervision Group) and personalised it. When challenging Dev it became clearer to me what I have to do – focus on me and what I want to achieve rather than be distracted by my feelings which try to persuade me I want a life of excitement, pleasure, drama and extremes. I do not want these things and I will do well to remember what I do want. I want to sort myself out. I want a simple life; and a simple life can be gained through procedures.


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