Something In My Head

Saturday 19 October, 2002

I contacted Dev at lunchtime to ask him what games is he playing not contacting people – this shows his immaturity. He started off energised and clear as he talked me through the work he has done on his reflection. The more he talked, the more irrelevant it became. In the end I began to challenge him and he soon went low. He said he had thought about phoning us but hadn’t, isolating himself instead with his work. Then he said he would fax over to us the work he has done. Only later did I realise that this was the remark, which had started my annoyance; as if he was going to dump his issues on us rather than relate to us and try and sort things out for himself.

I reminded Dev of how I was straight with him about what I needed from him when I phoned from hospital a year ago. He said his mind had gone blank when he considered what support he needed, so I reminded him of my call to him. He did nothing more than ackowledge my remarks. At this point I told him I needed a break and Ishwar took over. Ishwar reported that Dev sounded even lower than when he had spoken to him on Thursday.

After the call, Ishwar and I worked on the yearly appraisal for 2002. It was useful to discuss it because many more things came up than would have, had I worked alone. Also, looking at the goals, my initial negativity gave way as I saw just how I have actually progressed this year. I need to remember where I have come from. Don’t forget the pain – that is Dev’s issue at present and it leads very quickly to cockiness and downfall.

At 20:30, Simran, Ishwar and I joined the women’s group for two hours. Karaj, in tackling Ishwar’s Child Ego State, used the distraction technique to ignore Ishwar. Ishwar had been butting our suggestions and it was difficult to resist rescuing him. By ignoring him, Ishwar came up with the solution to his problem himself. In the group my shortcomings were exposed. I had not prepared the documents for Harriet. I am not looking at the consequences of my actions. I also did not take (nor even see) the opportunity to raise my own issues after Karaj had prompted both Simran and Ishwar to raise theirs. However, as with a month ago, I was more able to hear Karaj and his challenges because of the clarity and stability afforded me by the to-do list.

Prompted by Karaj, I raised the issue of communication and how much information to give to whom. My loyalty is to Karaj and I need to keep it brief; people would rather hear bad news than waffle. Be straight with people. Listen to their use of language. e.g. ‘Is Karaj available?‘ NO.  ‘Is Karaj busy?’ YES.

Summary: Again, more balanced because of the list. Still need to look at my procedures and follow things through all the way. My negativity in the morning about the prospect of spending all day in the loft with Ishwar had had nothing to do with Ishwar – it was all mine. And anyway, as I saw with Ishwar’s issue in the group tonight, I can manage my time so I get what I want and still get the work done. It has been a steady day and Ishwar and I have achieved well. I wonder if the steadiness and lack of excitement owes anything to Dev’s absence. In the morning supervision before the start of the women’s group Karaj told me I have something in my head which keeps me going and that he wouldn’t be surprised if everyone left and I was the only one remaining.


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